Monday, December 31, 2007

I know I should throw them away...

You know that whole half a bag of M&Ms that is still in the fridge. It is calling my name again. I just can't bring myself to throw it away, yet is stares at me, and talks to me every time I open the fridge. I just want some damn sugar. This is like the hardest thing ever. I have made some really yummy meals the last few days but I feel like I am starving because I have not had anything sweet. I have also not had any meat. Yeah did I mention that I am trying to go veggie? Not crazy vegan or anything. I just don't think I could handle that, but the ovo-lacto sort. Ya know the dairy and egg people. I did kind of crave some burger this afternoon but other than that it is pretty fucking peachy keen since I am so preoccupied with sugar. I really hope this gets better like it is supposed to because right now my non sugar future is looking pretty damn bleak.

But I guess at least times like now I can come on here and waste some time writing instead of shoving chocolate in my face. I felt pretty good most of the morning aside from the headache I have had for 3 days now. I actually got up at 3:30 when my alarm went off and felt much better than I usually do. I hope that is a side effect of no sugar so at least something good is coming out of this.

SO it is New Year's Eve. Whoop de friggin woo. I am staying home with the kids and we are gonna hang out and watch some movies and eat some air popped popcorn. Maybe I am growing up a bit or something but I just don't really care about going out and getting wasted anymore. All my friends are doing it, I miss my friends, but it is not really my scene any longer. Hanging out with the kiddies and banging some pots and pans outside at midnight just sounds so much more appealing to me. Anyhow I hope everyone has a wonderful and Happy New Year!

My head is killing me

Why oh why have I decided to do this? I feel like crap. My head is pounding, my hands are shaking. Ugh I feel like total poop.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

10 hours in....

My head is pounding. I feel like I have been stuffing my face. I guess I kind of have but not with sugar. Here is today's meal list..

egg white omelet with green peppers and a little bit of mozza cheese
smoothie made of pineapple, egg whites, coconut extract
2 oz roasted almonds
string cheese
grilled avocado sandwich (actually not too bad)
a bit of this tofu-ranch dip I made (again surprisingly good)

So I bought some stuff to make my own salsa so that should be an adventure. The last time I tried cutting up chilies I got it up my nose and burned my arm. I never said I was a good cook. I am going to make a real effort here to not eat the sugar so I guess making my own condiments is going to be part of that. I must say though the ranch dip I made (tofu, ranch dressing packet, lemon juice) is really not that bad. I definitely does not taste like regular dip but it is edible.

Anyhow that is all for now. I am trying to divert myself from the cereal I just poured for my son. First I have to get myself off the crack and then I can work on removing it from everyone else's diet.

My name is Stacy and I am an addict.....

Yes it is about high time I make my addiction public. It's not booze. It's not smoking. It's not drugs. I am utterly and unbelievably addicted to sugar. Yep, the other white powder. It is high time I get real honest with myself about the situation. I know I have mentioned before how I am addicted to the stuff but now it is getting bad. Really bad. Out of control bad. I can start out my day real good with a nice healthy meal and by lunch I am just needing the stuff. I will tell myself all morning that I will not have any sugar for the day and I'll be damned if I am not sticking my porky hand in the cookie jar by 10 am. I really never thought it could possibly be that hard for someone to just stop stop drinking, or just stop smoking. I can easily do both of those thing. I can have a ciggarette because I am stressed or whatever and not have the urge to pick another one up. Hell when I am stressed I usually don't even have the urge. I am just bored and the social people are out smoking.

I have to get this under control. It is 10:22am and I am already getting light headed and dizzy. WTF This is ridiculous. Did you know that damn near every fucking condiment in my house has sugar in it? Ranch dressing, sugar. BBQ sauce, sugar. Ketchup, sugar. What the fuck am I supposed to put on my food? Is it possible to eat food without toppings? How the hell do you eat a salad with no dressing? And sweeteners are not really supposed to be helpful even looking past the cancer shit. I feel like my life is over. I am so not kidding. If I do this, I can't have any sugar anymore. Even a little bit send me off into this downward spiral. I ate like a whole fucking huge bag of M&Ms yesterday. Who does that? Who eats an industrial sized bag of candy? I was sick to my stomach and still popping those babies in mouth.

Okay I gotta be positive about this. I need 5 days. The professionals say that it takes 5 days to detox from this crack. I am on day 1. The first third of day 1. I can do this right? 4 days of hell and I feel great on day 5. I can make it 5 days right? Even though I can't make it 5 hours? I have been awake for 3.5 hours. Does that make me 3.5 hours sober? My head is starting to pound.

Fuck me, I am screwed.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Poop on Potlucks

I have had enough pot lucking for a year. I am already sick of the Christmas food and cookies and cake and crap. Ugh. I love Christmas but I just want this eating frenzy to stop. I am back on the Optifast for a few days to just let my poor tummy rest. I am thinking maybe it will be easier to stick to than it was preop since the tummy is much smaller now and I don't really feel hunger. Hell I have eaten enough in the last week to not feel hunger for a decade. Plus the Optifast does not taste as bad as I remember.

So I have the day off to go to court and fight my ticket today. I am NOT looking forward to having to shell out an ass load of money for this stupid ticket, but if I can get away with not having the points on my license then I will take that. Anyhow wish me luck.....

Saturday, December 15, 2007

I am trying here.......

To make an effort to blog a little bit more and yap my mouth a little bit less. I just ate some really buttery popcorn and I am not really sure how I feel about that. I had an awesome workout today, more about that later. But I just don't quite get why i still am fighting these food demons. Why am I still sabotaging myself? I just have no fucking clue how to start fixing that.

Anyhow onto "life" news.... I did manage to snag 4 Hannah Montana tickets before they sold out today. The girl is going to shit her pants when she finds out she is going. The seats are not the greatest, kinda behind the stage but who really cares? I am ever so thankful I was able to even get the tickets. My baby is going to have a fabulous birthday. We will be going with my BF Jenn (who also had surgery) and her daughter. The hard part is going to be keeping it a secret until then. Very, very hard. I am way excited though. We are going to take the girls to Libby Lu and let then get their hair and stuff done. It should be a super fun day.

As for my workout, I did 7 miles running today. It took me just a bit under 1:40 which is a little bit faster than 4mph. Not raging fast but definitely good for a girl who used to weigh 82 pounds more just a little over 10 months ago. I also felt like I could have ran longer. I got faster as I finished, which was also a good thing. And I recovered pretty well afterward. I am definitely getting fitter. The speed will eventually come. Anyhow that was my day. Tomorrow is cross training so we will have to decided then what we are gonna do.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Wow it has been awhile....

I am one helluva shitty blogger. It has only been about 6 months since my last visit. Let's see if I can do the quick review catch up on my life list....

1.In July I got to go camping with the family.
2.On said camping trip I got pissed at DH and body slammed my bike on the ground in a move that would make Hulk Hogan proud. Cost=$90 in damages.
3. In August I got to take a while week off of work and vacation with my family up north. I got to do lots of riding
4. In September I met up with some sweet ass bikers from LBT to do my first 40+ mile ride.
5. On said bike trip my bike fell off of my carrier into the middle of the expressway thus ending my biking season. Cost of damage still TBD.
6. In October I tried to finally break the 200 mark. Not so successful. But I did run a 5K in 42:42
7. In November I finally did break the 200 pound mark. Thanksgiving came and I did not barf. Life was good.
8. Bring us to December.......

I am down to 195. Losing slower than I would like but I am certainly not denying myself treats so I really can't complain. I have started running on a regular basis which for me is 4 times per week. I do three miles per day during the week and have a long weekend run, which is currently at 6 miles. It's not a ton but it is doing something. I did not think I was improving much with my running since I am hella slow and want to die when I am done, but I realized yesterday that my recovery time after running is hella quick so it must be doing something for me. But definitely sometimes while I am breathing during a run I feel like my lungs must be looking like a 90 year old smokers lungs. I can confidently say that even though I never really smoked much before, I do nto wanna pick up another one, even if I am drinking. Work has been....well work. I am done discussing that subject now lol.