Tuesday, November 18, 2008

I never thought it would come to this...

But for the first time in almost 2 years I ate something fully intending to throw it up immediately. I can't say i have never puked from this lapband, or that I have never taken an extra bite or two when I knew I should not, but this is the first time I have put something in my mouth knowing that I was going to bring it back up. And it really scared the heck out of me. Not because I did it, but because of how frightfully easy it was to do. How not painful it was. How easy it would be to hide it. I did the bulimia thing for about 5 minutes in high school (what fat girl didn't) and it was awful. Horrible. Downright putrid. Painful. Disgusting. Hence the reason it lasted 5 minutes and was not the cure to my fatness then. But this? This was too easy. Easy enough to be scary. I don't want to be this weak again.

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