Friday, March 6, 2009

A little freaked

I always start to get like this after a good week of working out and eating. Friday night freak out. I am sitting here craving all of these things that I know I don't need. I start to tell myself it will not matter. You see, I won't lose any weight come Monday. I never do. At least that is what I will sit around telling myself. I am to the point where I am so used to failure that anything else is just not an option. I don't allow it to be an option. Who doesn't allow success to be an option? More importantly why don't I allow it to be an option? Because I am scared. Scared of failure. How ridiculous is that? I force myself to fail because that way it is my choice, my option. I am trying to protect myself from failing on my own. Because I don't know if I can handle that. The pitiful part of that is that by protecting myself from failure I am denying myself achievement. Denying myself something I have wanted for so long. I am scared out of my mind. Freaked out about the road to where I want to be. Freaked out about what it will be like when I get there. Freaked out about whether I am going to let go and try to allow myself to get there. I need to learn to control the fear. 

Or just be happy that this post kept me out of the chocolate chips.

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