Sunday, April 26, 2009

Still not quite there yet.

At least with restarting the P90X. Some of the reason being the horribly long weekend I have been dealing with and most of the reason being the dieting. I am still on phase one of South Beach until Thursday. So without fruit I don't really want to have to drink a protein shake. And I really need to drink one after lifting. So I am holding off for another week. But don't worry, I will be back soon enough. 

The dieting is actually going really well. I have discovered a new dessert that is making me look forward to my evening snack. A no sugar added fudgsicle, 1TBS of peanut butter, and 2 TBS of sugar free cool whip. Smoosh it all together and enjoy. It is like peanut butter ice cream. So freaking good. I also have a little milk with it since I need to get in a few cups per day. I even managed to not eat any of the goodies at my daughter's dance competition this weekend, which is no small feat. There were 2 cafeteria tables full of yummy goodness. I survived on 2 slices of deli chicken and a slice of provolone wrapped in lettuce. Unfortunately that was all I ate all day long so by the the time I got home I was a little bit woozy. But better that than breaking my sugar fast, right? 

Other than the sheer exhaustion I am feeling, my weekend went well. Very busy with kid activities. T-ball, dance competition, more T-ball, birthday party, church, church classes for the kids. Yeah, I am finally sitting down. But the most important thing i learned this weekend was though laziness always pays off immediately, procrastination is not a virtue when it comes to deli trays. Who would have thought that you actually have to pre-order those, and you can't just roll up to Meijer at 9pm on a Friday night a purchase one? But I did, in fact, create a rather cute deli tray in the wee hours of the night. 

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

My early life crisis....

So…yeah. I have been on hiatus for a while. It has not been the greatest month for me. I think a lot had to do with the coming of the big 29, soon to be followed by the big 30. Because now I am officially working toward 30. Back when I was a kid (and by kid I mean 20) 30 seemed so far away. And now it is going to be here in 364 more days. I am trying to make peace with it. And I am getting so tired of those people old than I telling me it is not a big deal. Because right now, in this moment, it is a big deal for me. I am not saying that I dislike my life, because I don’t. But my dreams and aspirations as a youngin certainly were nothing like the reality of it all. I’m still fat. I’m still unfit. I have these two wonderful children that arrived roughly 10 years early. I’m poor. Not eat out of the dumpster poor, but one big financial crisis away from not being able to pay the bills poor. I have a job that is totally unrelated to my bachelor’s degree. And if I want to do anything in my field of study I will need to spend more time in school. Which costs money. That I don’t have because I am poor. Last week I pulled out a gray hair. Which was a really pretty silvery color that I am just not quite ready to see in my hair just yet. Really I don’t think it is so much that I care about getting older, it is that sometimes I feel like I went somewhere wrong in my life. Like maybe I should have taken the road to the left instead of the road to the right. At times I feel the only thing I have done right is pushed out these two bundles of joy after many hours of rough labor. Yet I feel like I am lacking with them. I was so young when I had them, physically and emotionally. And I feel like I am so selfish at times that I don’t deserve to be a mother. And with the amazing example I had set by my mother, at times I just feel like I don’t measure up. I may have hated it at the time but I have the greatest mother in the world. And no I am not saying that because she is my Mom. She is seriously da bomb. Yes, I just said da bomb. Wicked awesome could be inserted in there as well. Oh, and back to the poor thing. To add insult to injury we had to pay about $600 extra in taxes this year. Like instead of receiving a refund check we had to send out a check. It was a pretty sad April 15th and the day I think I officially hit rock bottom.

So April 15th I am calculating around 4000 calories for that day. 4000 calories. Just looking at the number disgusts me. I was eating candy bars, fried food, gooey butter cake (darn that Paula Deen), and after the whole tax debacle we decided to drown our sorrows in margaritas and steaks at Texas Roadhouse. I felt like a bloated pig. And probably looked like one too. I am not sure how I managed to pack it in with my lap band. Heck, I am surprised I did not pop the thing right off my stomach. Anyhow, hubs and I were talking and he made a comment to me about how I am just letting myself go. I don’t do my hair, no makeup, sweatpants and scrubs are my life. I have been looking the way that I feel. Which is basically awful. He told me that I have been making myself look ugly and asked why I am doing it. It was really hard for him to say these things. He thought he really hurt my feelings. Which was not the case. It was a hard conversation to have. Hard for him because he did not want to hurt me, and hard for me because he was right. And all the while I am thinking that the real reason I have been wearing sweatpants is because my largest size 14 jeans are so tight I can hardly breathe in them. And the only other pair I have are size 24 from before surgery. It hurts so much to think that I am going to have to wear my size 24 jeans because I can’t afford a new pair of jeans that might fit.

The next day was Thursday. I came into work and reluctantly stepped on the scale. 223 is what flashed on the screen. I have allowed myself to gain 35 pounds this last year. That hurt. Bad. I came back to my desk feeling all sorts of dejected. I started checking my email and from one of my many dieting websites I had some info on the South Beach diet. I figured, what the heck. This is actually the only thing I have not tried yet. Following some form of this will at least get me off the sugar. So that is where I stand now almost a week later. Sugar free for 6 days (which for me is that same as an alcoholic being sober for 6 days) and feeling okay. At my weigh in on Monday I was standing at 213. 10 lbs in 4 days. I obviously was bloated after my pig out last week. And 213 is nearly the lowest weight I have seen all year. It felt nice. Like what I was doing was working. Especially since I have been hovering around 218 for the better part of 2 months. I have also been making an effort to do my hair and makeup, because I do feel better when I look better. But most of all I am just happy that I am getting this food thing a little bit under control. It is a struggle. And it is far from over. But I am slowly working on it.

As for the P90X, that is on hold at the moment. I may be able to add that back in on Monday. I am just working slowly at getting myself going again. I haven’t worked out in a few weeks (when was my last post because that was the last day) and I have to ease myself back into it. And yes, I will be sure to blog about it. I am still not sure if I am going to pick up where I left off or just start from scratch. Decisions, decisions. And that my friends is where the heck I have been.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

P90X Day 38: Back and Biceps

Worked my little butt off today.  Gonna have to start selling ticket soon. Tickets to what? The gun show. Oh yeah baby I am getting me some bulging biceps. At least I think they are hiding there underneath the giant layer of fat. At any rate, I did get my workout done and feel pretty good about it. I also went to the metropark and ran for 30 minutes. I am slowly getting there. I feel my speed increasing ever so slowly. I can run longer and faster. But compared to most it is still super slow. Maybe I need to stop comparing myself to others. I think I do that too much. 

So tomorrow I think I am going to try and get in some plyometrics. I did not get it done yesterday and we all know my feelings on yoga. But tomorrow is a busy day so getting anything in will be good for me. I am scheduled for a 30 minute swim tomorrow so it will be interesting to see how I juggle everything. I also have to get to the girl child's talent show at noon, pick the kids up immediately after school (no latch key) and also watch my friend's kids until she gets of work. Definitely going to be interesting.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Sore city

I am sore, sore, sore today. Mostly my triceps and the giant knot in my back. That darn thing just keep reappearing. I think I need a professional massage to maybe get rid of it for good. I am tired of the pain.

Last night I accomplished much of what I wanted to get done. I finally caught up on dishes. Yes, that is hubby's job but sometimes he just lets it get out of hand and I just can't deal with it. So dishes are done. I even shined my sink. It was very pretty. The kids were bathed and in bed super early. They needed the sleep. Badly. I needed it too. I am still tired, but it is manageable.

This past weekend in between numbers at the dance competition my friend and I took our daughters shopping and out for lunch. This friend also has a lap band. At the end of the meal we look up to see the girl leaning backward and holding their hands up above their heads. When we asked what they were doing they said they were pretending to have lap bands. Now if you have a band, or know someone who does, you know that this is one way to help some food get unstuck when you have eaten to much. Sassy little girls cracked us up. Right up until both of us were waving our hands in the air trying to get the food moving again.

Monday, April 6, 2009

P90X Day 36: Chest, Shoulders, Triceps: Part 2

I figure I have about 3 minutes for this post. The kid is in the shower and he usually makes it quick. 

I have been super busy the last few days. The girl had a dance competition, so we were there all weekend long. They did a great job and placed 4th and 5th overall for both of their dances. Needless to say I have no time for posting. 

Today's workout hurt bad. It is not easy. It is pain. But my push ups are improving. I can now do a few at the beginning of a set not on my knees. They are not picture perfect but I do feel much stronger even doing the push ups on my knees as well. That is definite improvement. I also did some lap swimming last week and managed to do 1000 meters without stopping. Again, a huge feat for me. 

Well the boy is whining so I need to go tend to him. Hopefully now with school break coming up and activities on hold for a week I can get back into the swing of things. 

Friday, April 3, 2009

Day 32. Yoga

So kids, today's definition of yoga is this: Go to the metropark and jog/walk 4.5 miles. Yep that was about it. But I did run over a mile without stopping and that is a major deal for me. I like this kid of yoga lol. I think the plyo is helping on the cardio aspect for me. My knees and ankle were a bit sore. I am hoping that will not get in the way of my workout today, the ever so wonderful legs and back routine. It's all good. I can deal with it.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

P90X Day 31

Okay we are back on track here. Today's workout was Back and Biceps. Oh my goodness, I am feeling the burn now. Both my entire arms are now on fire and my back is hurting too. I really did not believe in the whole muscle confusion thing, but it is true. I am hurting a bit. So the workout was basically all pull up and bicep curls. There were a few other exercises thrown in, but that was the bulk of them. And the set of 40 curls at the very end was killer. Killer good, not killer bad. Also we got to do 5 set of supermans for 10 seconds each, with maybe 3 seconds of rest in between. For those you lay on your stomach with your arms straight out in front of you. Then you lift your lower and upper body as if you were flying like superman. They burn but they feel so good. I also need to get some more dumbbells. There were plenty of exercises that I needed a 12 pounder instead of the tens I was using. And also a few that I would have liked 8lbs. Today I am looking for a welcome rest from weight training. Even though the weights are my favorite part, my body is crying for rest today. As for yoga today, I am going to try for it. But I have to get a run in first. That is priority. Oh and did I mention that immediately after my P90X I took the bike to the metropark and cranked out 14.5 miles in 30 mph winds? 2 hours of working out yesterday. It was pretty sweet.

Oh, oh, oh, I forgot to mention the best part of this whole workout. The girl on the video was *gasp* just a normal girl. She was not one of the freaks of nature working out on the other videos. She used 10lb dumbbells like me and did the same number of reps. I can't tell you how much more motivated it made me to see a normal person doing this. I know I can't compete with the skinny little yoga dancers that somehow manage to lift more weight than their bodies. But I could keep up with this girl and it made me want to try harder. Loved it!

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Drained

I am seriously perched on the edge of exhaustion. I am one of those people who need 8 hours of sleep every night. I need it to function properly. The past week or so I have been averaging 4-6 hours per night and it is just not cutting it for me. Last weekend Korrine had her dance stuff going on and I just could not get sleep. I can't sleep late in the mornings so I need to go to bed early to compensate for that. I am okay with that but sometimes circumstances aren't. We did not get home from Grand Rapids until after 9:30 on Sunday night. I did not get to bed until almost 11. I work at 5am. You do the math. I have had to cover a position at work that I know nearly nothing about. That just adds to my mental exhaustion. I cried 4 times at work yesterday. Cried. Like a little baby. I was beyond frustrated and exasperated and just ready to throw in the towel. I fell asleep last night a little bit after 6pm out of sheer exhaustion. But I still had to be in extra early this morning to cover sick woman's position yet again. I am thinking she is going to be out all week. And I have a meeting tonight until 9pm. Korrine has 2 extra dance classes tomorrow night. And Friday we drive out for another competition. My house is still not cleaned. I don't know when I will have time for laundry. Working out? Trying very hard to make that a priority. And all of this worrying and complaining is only adding to my drainage.

I need a nap.