Wednesday, April 22, 2009

My early life crisis....

So…yeah. I have been on hiatus for a while. It has not been the greatest month for me. I think a lot had to do with the coming of the big 29, soon to be followed by the big 30. Because now I am officially working toward 30. Back when I was a kid (and by kid I mean 20) 30 seemed so far away. And now it is going to be here in 364 more days. I am trying to make peace with it. And I am getting so tired of those people old than I telling me it is not a big deal. Because right now, in this moment, it is a big deal for me. I am not saying that I dislike my life, because I don’t. But my dreams and aspirations as a youngin certainly were nothing like the reality of it all. I’m still fat. I’m still unfit. I have these two wonderful children that arrived roughly 10 years early. I’m poor. Not eat out of the dumpster poor, but one big financial crisis away from not being able to pay the bills poor. I have a job that is totally unrelated to my bachelor’s degree. And if I want to do anything in my field of study I will need to spend more time in school. Which costs money. That I don’t have because I am poor. Last week I pulled out a gray hair. Which was a really pretty silvery color that I am just not quite ready to see in my hair just yet. Really I don’t think it is so much that I care about getting older, it is that sometimes I feel like I went somewhere wrong in my life. Like maybe I should have taken the road to the left instead of the road to the right. At times I feel the only thing I have done right is pushed out these two bundles of joy after many hours of rough labor. Yet I feel like I am lacking with them. I was so young when I had them, physically and emotionally. And I feel like I am so selfish at times that I don’t deserve to be a mother. And with the amazing example I had set by my mother, at times I just feel like I don’t measure up. I may have hated it at the time but I have the greatest mother in the world. And no I am not saying that because she is my Mom. She is seriously da bomb. Yes, I just said da bomb. Wicked awesome could be inserted in there as well. Oh, and back to the poor thing. To add insult to injury we had to pay about $600 extra in taxes this year. Like instead of receiving a refund check we had to send out a check. It was a pretty sad April 15th and the day I think I officially hit rock bottom.

So April 15th I am calculating around 4000 calories for that day. 4000 calories. Just looking at the number disgusts me. I was eating candy bars, fried food, gooey butter cake (darn that Paula Deen), and after the whole tax debacle we decided to drown our sorrows in margaritas and steaks at Texas Roadhouse. I felt like a bloated pig. And probably looked like one too. I am not sure how I managed to pack it in with my lap band. Heck, I am surprised I did not pop the thing right off my stomach. Anyhow, hubs and I were talking and he made a comment to me about how I am just letting myself go. I don’t do my hair, no makeup, sweatpants and scrubs are my life. I have been looking the way that I feel. Which is basically awful. He told me that I have been making myself look ugly and asked why I am doing it. It was really hard for him to say these things. He thought he really hurt my feelings. Which was not the case. It was a hard conversation to have. Hard for him because he did not want to hurt me, and hard for me because he was right. And all the while I am thinking that the real reason I have been wearing sweatpants is because my largest size 14 jeans are so tight I can hardly breathe in them. And the only other pair I have are size 24 from before surgery. It hurts so much to think that I am going to have to wear my size 24 jeans because I can’t afford a new pair of jeans that might fit.

The next day was Thursday. I came into work and reluctantly stepped on the scale. 223 is what flashed on the screen. I have allowed myself to gain 35 pounds this last year. That hurt. Bad. I came back to my desk feeling all sorts of dejected. I started checking my email and from one of my many dieting websites I had some info on the South Beach diet. I figured, what the heck. This is actually the only thing I have not tried yet. Following some form of this will at least get me off the sugar. So that is where I stand now almost a week later. Sugar free for 6 days (which for me is that same as an alcoholic being sober for 6 days) and feeling okay. At my weigh in on Monday I was standing at 213. 10 lbs in 4 days. I obviously was bloated after my pig out last week. And 213 is nearly the lowest weight I have seen all year. It felt nice. Like what I was doing was working. Especially since I have been hovering around 218 for the better part of 2 months. I have also been making an effort to do my hair and makeup, because I do feel better when I look better. But most of all I am just happy that I am getting this food thing a little bit under control. It is a struggle. And it is far from over. But I am slowly working on it.

As for the P90X, that is on hold at the moment. I may be able to add that back in on Monday. I am just working slowly at getting myself going again. I haven’t worked out in a few weeks (when was my last post because that was the last day) and I have to ease myself back into it. And yes, I will be sure to blog about it. I am still not sure if I am going to pick up where I left off or just start from scratch. Decisions, decisions. And that my friends is where the heck I have been.

1 comment:

garritygal said...

You are so real Stacy. You just let it all out. It helps though, to do that. With all the work outs you do it must be frustrating, but I bet you are in good health. I bet you have a lot more muscle.

Turning 30 will seem bad, but actually you may enjoy it. I did. My favorite ages were 30, 39, and 46. Weird huh? If you live to be 80 you still have 50 years. If I live to be 80 I only have 26 years...kind of sucks..but it's my way of comforting you..