Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Today, today it's all or nothing....

The holiday weekend went very well. The girl child had a friend stay the night on Friday and on Saturday morning we all went camping. The weather was amazing. Some friends came out to the park to celebrate the boy child's birthday and to hang out for swimming and a BBQ. We had some great food and great times. The lake was much warmer than expected and the kids had a blast hanging out at the beach. The parents had a blast sitting around the campfire with some good drinks and good stories. The rain on Sunday morning forced us to realize that our tent was in fact, not waterproof. But covering up the blankets with towel and going back to bed was something that could be accomplished. I read a whole book just to get to end and be so disappointed. And I wasn't even too angry about it. Smores were delicious. The girl child's crush of the century was there. Poor kid is about 5 years too old for her but takes it all in stride. He's good people for a 13 year old. I can't imagine my life when my boy crazy 8 year old is a boy crazy 13 year old. I can't imagine her anger when she realizes I am serious about her being 16 before she can date. At least I have a few more years until she will spend many of her days hating me for being unfair. We came home late Sunday night. I was supposed to go to a party but never managed to get the directions before falling asleep. I was exhausted and slept nearly 12 hours. Which is unheard of for me. Yesterday we took the kids to find some "treasure" at the park. Once we found the location neither Hubs nor I could find it. Leave it to the 6 year old with glasses. Amazing stuff. Spent some time in the nature museum and had some half off slushes at Sonic. Went home to a clean house and had some BBQ dinner. It was probably as close to a perfect weekend as I am ever going to get. Definitely the best holiday weekend I have ever had. I am just to thankful I was there to enjoy it.

So on to today. I was a little late for work. Only a minute or so but considering I did not hear my alarm until about 25 minutes after it was going off that is really not too bad. I guess I need to turn the volume up just a bit. But I had lunches ready and only needed to shower. So now I am here. I have a lot of work to get done today so I know I will be here later than I might like. I also will run 3 miles today. That is one thing that no matter what I am going to get done. Even if my eating goes off plan the running is something I need to do for myself. Just to give some time to myself. To reflect. To relax. I am going to keep a cheerful attitude because sometimes you have to fake it until you make it. Not that I am faking it right now but who knows what later will bring. I have had a pretty good start in getting myself up out of the dumps and I want to keep that momentum rolling.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

In a better place today.

So a friend emailed me and helped to give me a bit more perspective on how I am feeling and handling things. I know I did not respond but I do want to say thank you. It did help. 

I am making an appointment with my doctor to talk about things. After the culmination of the other night with me crumpled in the corner sobbing and unable to even get myself up to take care of my kids I knew I had to do something. I know I get all dramatic about things and wicked emotional. And based on the monthly timing I know it is hormonal. I don't always feel like that even though in the moment it certainly seems that way. But my PMS episodes are getting increasingly worse and I don't know if I can handle another one like this past week. It nearly tore me apart. The last time I was that bad was after I had my boy and I was suffering some major post-partum depression. So if the meds helped then hopefully they can do the trick now. 

So that is where I am at now. Not perfect but certainly not the mess I was a few days ago. Hopefully once I can get into the doctor I can this head thing regulated. Slow steps. Very slow steps. 

Today we are taking the kids camping. It is going to be a beautiful day and I am very thankful for that. The good friend who sent me that amazing email posted this on her blog and said she was going to reflect on it today. I think I am going to do the same because it is a beautiful quote:

Gratefulness is the key to a happy life that we hold in our hands, because if we are not grateful, then no matter how much we have we will not be happy -- because we will always want to have something else or something more. -Brother DavidSteindl-Rast

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Exposing myself and my fraud

Sometimes I wonder if somewhere deep down inside I enjoy the torture that I seem to put myself through daily. I think that people around me, those who see me on a daily basis would just be absolutely shocked if they knew the real me. God, I feel like I am just this amazing actress on a daily basis and it just takes everything out of me. By the end of the day I am just physically and emotionally exhausted. I know all the right things to say and all the right things to do to make my life reflect something that it just isn't. People at work have this perception of me being this strong person who can do anything and doesn't care what people think. But I do care! I care what I think. And most of the time the thoughts that are rolling around in my head are awful. I spend so much of my day pitying myself. I pity my life. I pity my situation. I place blame. I place blame on so many other people. I am so envious of the things I can't have. I don't allow myself to have things and then I am angry that I never had them. Like a wedding. I never had a real wedding. Sure we did the vow thing and said I do. But I never got to walk down the aisle. I never got to be the center of attention. I never got to wear the beautiful white dress and have the pictures and the party. I never did any of that stuff. But most of all I never let anyone know how much it hurts that I didn't. Boy should I get an Oscar for that one because I always talk about how it was no big deal. I go to my friend's weddings and have a great time. And all the while I am sure no one knows how much I cry when I am alone watching a movie with a beautiful wedding. How happy I am for my friends though it is killing me inside. I say I am so thankful that I never had to deal with the stress of planning a wedding. I don't know how anyone can miss the envy in my eyes. And knowing I did this to myself makes it hurt that much more. I could have had a wedding and chose not to. I didn't want to be a burden to anyone. I was 20 and pregnant and embarrassed. And so angry. Angry for myself. Angry for my situation. And so undeserving. Always undeserving. And that just leads up to the guilt. The guilt that my problems are so minuscule compared to so many other people. I have so many blessing and all I do is waste away because I don't have the initiate to do something about it. I like to say I have all of these goals. That one day I am going to do all of these things. But lets face it. They are not really goals. They are just dreams. Only dreams because I never make them reality. I can't seem to let go enough to allow myself to deserve them. And I just become more and more frustrated with myself because I don't know why. I have spent countless hours trying to figure out the why. Why am I not good enough for myself? Why don't I deserve good things? Why can't I let myself have them? I have so much hurt and anger and frustration built up inside of me that I can hardly stand it any longer. It is consuming me and slowly pushing everything that is good out of my life. It is sucking my time away from me. Precious time that I can never get back. Instead of doing things with the people who matter the most I am retreating back into this shell of a person I have become. This house of cards that I have painstakingly built is slowly tumbling down. I feel like I am losing a grip on reality and retreating back into my dreams. I would rather daydream than actually live my life. Because in my dreams I can be anything and do anything. Instead of feeling so small and insignificant. Because how can I ever be anything to anyone if I can't be anything to myself? 

Friday, May 8, 2009

I would walk 500 miles

It's Friday and it's payday. But my check is pretty much all used up. Between my bills and money sucking children I am left with almost enough money for a Butterfinger. Almost. Good thing I gave the stuff up a few weeks ago. One day I am going to not be living paycheck to paycheck. Probably in about 2065 when the Lions win a Superbowl and I am covered in 6 feet of earth. Or sitting on my daughter's mantle since I hear that's a much cheaper option.

I don't have an incredibly busy weekend but I do have some things going on. The girl has dance tonight. The boy has T-ball pictures and a game tomorrow. I also have to sign him up for soccer tomorrow as well. Sunday morning we have church super early since I lost my mind and signed up the kids for some religious ed classes. And I was too impatient to wait until the fall when they would have been offered at a more convenient time than 9:15am on a Sunday morning. I think I like self torture. A lot.

So on the fat end of things, my body is slowly shrinking. It has been 3 weeks since the great sugar detox and I am down 13 pounds total. Not too shabby. My jeans are no longer giving me that wonderful look of a fresh baked muffin and people claim to see it. I think people are just trying to stroke my ego. Probably to keep me from going postal at work. But yeah, riding high on 210 as of yesterday morning. Yippie ki yay.

I have done a bit of walking this week. I did 3 miles Wednesday and 4 miles yesterday. The plan is to do another 4 miles in about 10 minutes or so. But then again we are also debating walking up to coney island so it is not like it is all for the benefit of exercise. I would walk my fat butt 500 miles for a good coney dog. Especially if someone else was buying.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Truckin' Along

I am really, really tired. The kind of tired that just sinks into your bones. The kind of tired that has you yawning at every turn. The kind of tired that causes you to nearly fall asleep standing up while you are in line at the grocery store. This is my life on less than 5 hours sleep. It is bad enough when that happens one night but now it has been 3 nights of not much sleep and I am feeling it bad. I have support group tonight from 7-9 and the thought of not being in bed super early is making me sick to my stomach. I need to go to group. The shrink is going to be there talking about food and I need to talk to the shrink. Despite the fact that my food demons have quieted in the recent weeks, I still know they are lurking deep inside waiting to jump back out when I am having a weak moment. I just want to know how to keep them from ruling my life. But at the same time I need some freaking sleep. It hurts to type and considering my job entails me to be at a computer most of the day....well again crying comes to mind. I am too tired to even make a witty comment.

Yesterday I high tailed it to Meijer and bought myself a few boxes of South Beach bars. They were on sale (most importantly) and I am a sucker for some good convenience food. Most people think diet bars are gross but having tried a few extremely foul protein bars/carb bars/dog food/funk I must say that these are pretty amazing. I had a Fiber Fit Smores granola bar last night and it was delicious. The only downside would be the freighter horn rivaling gas that I was tooting away in bed last night. But if you are like me and find farts hilarious (more so because I get the opportunity to dutch oven the Hubs) then this might be a good addition to your diet. Hey, I never said I was mature. And I personally believe that everyone thinks flatulence is funny. I am just one of those who admits it. However, eating one right now with my coffee may prove to be a less than smart decision professionally. Farting on my husband is one thing, but farting on my boss is quite another. Okay, okay, I am done with the gas.

I did get out on the bike yesterday at the metropark and rode 10 miles. It took me roughly 45 minutes to do and wiped me out. I did the second half much faster than the first since on the return I rode in the road instead of the bike path. It is amazing how much faster I ride in the street than on the path. We are talking 12.5mph vs 16-18 mph. I am really upset about not being able to do the PALM this year. I hope girl child's dance stuff does not fall on that week next year. I really, really want to go again.

I am planning to get out and run today after work. I even brought my clothes so I don't have to go home first. But since I plan on running every day and it has been a week since I have, I am not going to say it is set in stone. But it is my plan.

Monday, May 4, 2009

New week = Finally working out?

It's Monday. New week. Things always seem to start best when you begin them at the beginning of the week, right? Except I started my South Beach on a Thursday and since that has been working I suppose I can throw the beginning of the week theory out the window. At any rate, I do want to get some exercise today. I am just debating what kind. Do I start up the weight training again? Do I run? What can I fit in my schedule. I feel like I am stretching myself in every direction. Both of the kids have sports. That takes up 4 or 5 nights per week (and every Saturday morning). My work schedule is going to become much more demanding in the next few weeks. And I need my sleep. That is one area of my life that I refuse to budge on. I need at least 7 hours, preferably 8. And considering I had a nice bought of insomnia last night followed by about 4 hours of restless sleep, my week is already starting out on a grand note. I obviously need more coffee.

So I am down another pound. I am officially the lightest I have been in 09, weighing in at a hefty 211. Considering the lack of exercise last week and my weekend of indulgence I am shocked. And by indulgence I mean a few bites of a soft pretzel, about 7 nachos, and a wicked ton of sugar free desserting. However, I did learn that a good way to completely ruin your appetite is to challenge your friend to a jalapeno eating contest before eating said pretzel and nachos. Then when she calls your bluff and takes you up on the challenge, proceed to stuff your face with jalapenos until your sinuses are crystal clear and you are breathing out smoke. Yeah, it completely ruined the pretzel. And food for most of the day. But obviously worked wonderfully for the diet. I am getting heartburn all over again just thinking about it.

And onto today's food plan. I have a computer class from 11a-3p with a bunch of morons. Well just 2 really stupid people and a couple awesome ones. So I am thinking I will eat my leftover dinner from last night for breakfast, stop by Kroger and get a carb watcher yogurt for snack and a box of South Beach bars for lunch (just eating one bar, not the box). And i pulled out some ground sirloin for dinner. I am thinking burgers on the grill. Hubs is working tonight so he won't be able to eat them all up.

Oh yeah, and running. So not holding my breath on that one.