Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Exposing myself and my fraud

Sometimes I wonder if somewhere deep down inside I enjoy the torture that I seem to put myself through daily. I think that people around me, those who see me on a daily basis would just be absolutely shocked if they knew the real me. God, I feel like I am just this amazing actress on a daily basis and it just takes everything out of me. By the end of the day I am just physically and emotionally exhausted. I know all the right things to say and all the right things to do to make my life reflect something that it just isn't. People at work have this perception of me being this strong person who can do anything and doesn't care what people think. But I do care! I care what I think. And most of the time the thoughts that are rolling around in my head are awful. I spend so much of my day pitying myself. I pity my life. I pity my situation. I place blame. I place blame on so many other people. I am so envious of the things I can't have. I don't allow myself to have things and then I am angry that I never had them. Like a wedding. I never had a real wedding. Sure we did the vow thing and said I do. But I never got to walk down the aisle. I never got to be the center of attention. I never got to wear the beautiful white dress and have the pictures and the party. I never did any of that stuff. But most of all I never let anyone know how much it hurts that I didn't. Boy should I get an Oscar for that one because I always talk about how it was no big deal. I go to my friend's weddings and have a great time. And all the while I am sure no one knows how much I cry when I am alone watching a movie with a beautiful wedding. How happy I am for my friends though it is killing me inside. I say I am so thankful that I never had to deal with the stress of planning a wedding. I don't know how anyone can miss the envy in my eyes. And knowing I did this to myself makes it hurt that much more. I could have had a wedding and chose not to. I didn't want to be a burden to anyone. I was 20 and pregnant and embarrassed. And so angry. Angry for myself. Angry for my situation. And so undeserving. Always undeserving. And that just leads up to the guilt. The guilt that my problems are so minuscule compared to so many other people. I have so many blessing and all I do is waste away because I don't have the initiate to do something about it. I like to say I have all of these goals. That one day I am going to do all of these things. But lets face it. They are not really goals. They are just dreams. Only dreams because I never make them reality. I can't seem to let go enough to allow myself to deserve them. And I just become more and more frustrated with myself because I don't know why. I have spent countless hours trying to figure out the why. Why am I not good enough for myself? Why don't I deserve good things? Why can't I let myself have them? I have so much hurt and anger and frustration built up inside of me that I can hardly stand it any longer. It is consuming me and slowly pushing everything that is good out of my life. It is sucking my time away from me. Precious time that I can never get back. Instead of doing things with the people who matter the most I am retreating back into this shell of a person I have become. This house of cards that I have painstakingly built is slowly tumbling down. I feel like I am losing a grip on reality and retreating back into my dreams. I would rather daydream than actually live my life. Because in my dreams I can be anything and do anything. Instead of feeling so small and insignificant. Because how can I ever be anything to anyone if I can't be anything to myself? 

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