Saturday, August 29, 2009

Let there be light...

Thank you, thank you, thank you God. We finally have electricity and gas. We are still just slightly short on the cell phone payment, however, the cell phone is a luxury and not a necessity. So if we lose it, no big deal. We have our treadmill and some other things to sell on craigslist and hopefully that will pay for a few extras we are needing. Namely, stuff for my cousins wedding next month. I have to finish payment on the boy child's tux and get alterations for the girl child's and my dresses. And get this done soon! But I have faith that we can finish this up. I went grocery shopping yesterday and have the left over cash stored in an envelope in case we need anything else. Because of the big DTE bill and paying back my girlfriend we had to cut our gas and grocery money down a bit, but since I over estimated for both of those it is no big deal. I am a happy, happy girl right now.

Well, as of late my blog has been taken over by all sorts of financial woes instead of the general I hate dieting smack talk. Yeah, that has totally been on the back burner (minus actually burning-no gas). I am having a hard time fitting things in to my schedule. Work is taking a lot out of me. Trying to balance 50 hours/week with home life is taking a toll. Plus once school starts there will be 3 nights of dance lessons and probably 3-4 nights of soccer. Both of these in completely different locations. Soccer practice I like. There is a walking trail and a giant hill. I can be active there. Dance is a different story. Monday nights are just bad because it is only a 30 minute class. I spend more time in the car than I do at the studio. Plus I was debating putting the kids in swim lessons afterward. But it might be too much. Tuesdays are a bit better. Dance is almost 2 hours. I could potentially get a workout in there. On Friday dance is nearly 3 hours long. No doubt I can fit something in there, but with the boy child it might be a pain. As for soccer, I am still clueless about the schedule. Practices have been Mon and Wed from 6-7. Games-I hope to find out about soon. If Hubs worked a normal 9-5 life would be much, much easier. But sometimes I have to juggle this stuff alone and it gets frustrating. Add in housework and cooking and I am a busy girl. Sometimes I wish I did not have to work. I do love my job, don't get me wrong. But I also love being a Mom and wife and doing all that domestic stuff as well. I might not be the best at it, but I do enjoy it.

Anyhow, yeah. This weekend is going to be about getting the house back into shape (vacuum much?) and planning a working fitness schedule for myself. Sounds just peachy to me.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Almost there

One more day until we pay the bills. I know this is not fat girl related but it is current events related. And this current event will never happen again. This has been an eye opener and a complete frustration. But since I am trying to stay positive, I am thankful that I have my pretty pink laptop that I can take to Panera on this rainy day. And thankful for my father in law taking the kids for the night. And thankful that I am exhausted because I do have a job that starts at 4 or 5 in the morning. At any rate, we are doing it and it is almost over. And as an added bonus, our bills will be all caught up once this is paid. Yessiree everything else is caught up. Woot.

Tried to get a workout in yesterday at the Y. Wanted to swim but of course both lap lanes were taken up by a class. So after waiting an hour and getting no where, Hubs and I took some nice warm showers and promptly cancelled our membership. We were starting to hate it anyhow. We found a new place and will be joining at the end of next month.

Yeah, 4 am is coming quick. Time to go home and get some shut eye.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

A trying day

I started the day yesterday with the best of intentions. I was going to control my own destiny. Well, at least my reactions to the things going on around me. And for the most part I did. And this is a big deal because I had a pretty awful day yesterday. I found out I forgot about some money I owed someone. And I hate the fact that my not paying her made her hurt. I completely overlooked it and felt like the biggest jerk. Then I got home to finding out that in the grand tradition of losing utilities this August that the power has been cut out. $450 to turn it back on. I have about $2.58 in change on my dresser and 47 cents in the bank. Oh this is not going to do. So either I ask my parents to bail us out (again) or we suffer through until at least Friday. So Friday it is. Luckily we are poor so there is not much more than 10 various bags of frozen veggies and bread in the freezer. The bit of meat we do have is going to get cooked up on the BBQ tonight. It will be a grand feast. The refrigerator stuff is going into a cooler and the frozen veggies to my girlfriends house. The kids enjoyed the "camping out" last night. Complete with candles and flashlights. I have the battery for the torch charging here at work so we can play some cards tonight. We are turning this into an experience instead of letting it get us down. It's only a few more days. We can do it and we can enjoy the non electric family time.

So the power outage pretty much killed my plan of going home and using the treadmill yesterday. And the gym was out because Boy child had soccer at 6 and child care does not open until 4. So Girl child and I walked the path and the big hill during Jared's practice. And we went to the gym afterward. I did not get in the 6 miler I had hoped (believe me that was a high,high hope) but I did do 30 minutes on the treadmill and was super sweaty afterward. It has been too long since I have ran. So total for yesterday was about 3 miles. I am going to go for it again today. And who wouldn't want to, seeing as I followed that up with a candle lit cold shower. Amazing day.

Oh and BTW frozen chicken nuggets cook up very nicely in a foil pack on the BBQ.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Feeling good

So it is super early on this glorious Monday morning. Despite the constant yawning that plagues me regardless of my waking time, I am off to a good start. I am choosing to have a great day. I can't control the things that happen around me but I can control how I react to them. Instead of being angry about my 3 am wake up call, I can feel blessed that I have a job. And not just a job, but a job that I enjoy and have the opportunity to excel at.

Today is weigh in day. I am not going to get all bent out of shape about that either. It is was it is. And I can't expect magic on the scale if I don't put forth the effort. My band has controlled quite a bit of my eating these last few weeks and now it is my turn to do my part. Because without that I will only fail.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Dealing with it

Well less than a week to go before we get the gas turned back on. Honestly, I am getting kind of used to the cold showers and lack of stove. I love me some BBQ and having to have it every single night has not gotten old. And having to heat water to do the dished on the BBQ? It just means I actually do the dished every night, instead of letting them pile up. I can do this.

So my weight loss is stalled. I am not gaining, which is great. But I am not losing either. I think I am at an optimal fill level. But I need to start working with it, not against it. Eating crap food and candy bars is not going to help my cause. I think I may need a shock collar to keep myself out of the candy aisle. Though my vision of that goes something like this- chew, chew, OUCH, chew,chew, OUCH, chew, chew, HOLY SHIT OUCH, chew,chew. I am afraid if would not even help. Heck I get so full sometimes that my whole chest burns and all I can think about is how I can get another bite in there. It is sick. Why can't I have an excessive exercise habit, or shopping addiction, or heroin? I really might take a heroin addiction over food because then I would at least be thin.

I am also wondering if maybe I am a bit dehydrated. I have been waking up every day with the feeling of a hangover. Slight headache and just a general feeling of blah. I am not a fan. So I need to try and put forth some effort into making sure in to getting enough fluids. Then if I am still feeling like ass I can start examining all of the reasons why I must be dying. Because I am a hypochondriac like that. Don't hate.

And the water is so not going down. Damn this band is a fickle bitch.

And so I am going to add on to this to keep myself out of the kitchen. I am stuffed full and wanna barf. As if I ate a whole pizza and not just 1/8c of Spaghetti-os and 3/4 slice of bread. Yeah I know it is not healthy but it's poor. And right now poor trumps healthy. I had to do one of the biggest WLS no-nos like 20 minutes ago. I took a Motrin 800. Now for those of you without WLS Motrin is a huge no-no for the chemical shit storm it causes in your stomach. Since your stomach is smaller you have a much greater chance of developing an ulcer. But for me at this point in my life the chance of an ulcer is no where near outweighed by the throbbing migraine that is pulsating though my skull. Or is that the other way around? At any rate the headache is bad enough for me to take the Motrin. And risk bleeding ulcers. Maybe I would change my tune if I actually had an ulcer but since I have not had the displeasure of one of those puppies I will just chance it. Plus took it with a bunch of milk. And then followed that up with Spaghetti-os. As if anything bad happens to people who eat Chef Boyardee.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Really over this whole poor thing...

Well we have lost yet another utility. And here I am coming to you straight from my parent's basement. Can I get a woo woo? Nothing screams out loser quite like doing something from your parents basement. Unless of course you are doing this after just recently eating 4 packets of hot chocolate because you were craving sugar. Without bothering to actually mix it with anything. Just the powder. Which I have. Don't judge me. If you had PMS and it was the only sugar/chocolate available you would have done the same thing.

Now I am tired and have a tummy ache. Both directly related to the powdery chocolate incident and the quickly approaching sugar crash. Oh Nestle Quik how easily you tempt me.

I guess I will have to start working out tomorrow.

Friday, August 7, 2009

I can't eat if I am typing....right?

This is the blog where I really don't have much to say (as if I ever do) but I have to type something to keep myself from shoving crackers into my mouth. My stomach has been sending the all full signal to my head since 3/4 of the way through my tiny salad. Yet I have finished the salad and moved on to the Ritz crackers. Now I am incredibly full. Full enough to discuss the incident at support group in an hour. My stomach hurts and I don't like it. Yet still I am here tying away and struggling to not eat anymore crackers. This whole head hunger thing sucks. 2.5 years later and I still don't have a hold on it. Hence the reason I am no where near goal. I constantly say that I am not an emotional eater but I have had an emotional day. So maybe that is where the need to feed is coming from.

So it is no big secret that we have trouble paying our bills. Not because we should but because we make the stupidest choices ever. Like buying stupid things. Really when all is said and done we should have well over $1000 to spend on gas, groceries and other random shit. Yet bills are not getting paid. Like my gas/electric bill. Apparently sometime down the line I missed a payment. Because I am supposed to be on the budget billing. You know, the one where regardless of use you pay the same each month? Well they cancelled my budget billing and have been trying to charge me for the whole thing. Since I am great at avoidance I just kept paying the budget price and ignored the phone calls and emails. Well at some point this stops working and they send out their little meter bitch to cancel my service. Through some very real tears and shenanigans the meter bitch says he can just cut my gas service and leave the electric. Thank you sweet Jesus. Instead of carrying candles around and playing 17th century games I just get to bathe in icy cold water and cook all the meals on the grill or in the microwave. Oh the luxury. And now I have to suck it up and make the phone call because we can no way pay this off before the end of the month. And I can't handle losing my electric too. I don't even like it when storms knock the power out for 10 minutes.

At least my car payments will be up to date on the 15th. But of course that means making over $900 in payments this month. Pretty pathetic when your payment is only a little over $300/month.

I am feeling pretty PO right now. PO enough that I am jealous of POOR people. At least they can claim the OR. We are just sitting here being PO hoping to one day reclaim the OR and become POOR again. Maybe in September.

At the very least I am not hungry anymore. That's a win.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Bad Night.

I had what was probably my worst vomiting episode ever last night. And it was not even from eating. I cleaned out the fridge on Tuesday afternoon and found my crock-pot in the back full of some nasty funk. I think it was chicken noodle soup. From May. Gross. Anyhow I pulled it out and put it on the counter. Started cleaning, and then the girl child had to go to dance. Stupidly I assumed Hubs would be finishing up the dishes. Not so much. Anyhow, I get home at 9:15 last night. Mind you I have been at work since 6am. Worked from 6a-6:30p and then had support group at 7. So first thing I see is him lounging on the couch watching TV. No biggie. I go outside and water the flowers since they are half dead after vacation. I get that done and go out back to turn off the water and there is a garbage bag on the porch that just reeks. I mean it smells like a dead animal. So I am gagging and walking it over to the garbage can by the fence. Then I go in the back door and the stench really hits me. Ew. Nasty foul festering chicken noodle soup in the crock pot. If I had another crock-pot I would have just thrown it out. So I cover my nose and mouth with my shirt and dump the contents into the trash. Then I try to carry the trash outside and I am just dry heaving like crazy. My eyes are watering from the stink. I am starting to cry and get pissy because TOM is just about here and Hubs is still laying around. So now that he hears me in the backyard just heaving and heaving he is trying to figure out what is wrong. Now a little bit of stuff is coming up and I have the dry heaves mixed in with small bits of slimy spit. And my face is still inside my shirt so I am basically puking on myself. Now I am bawling and heaving and trying to wash out this crock. The sink is full of dishes since Hubs never touched them so I have to get all this stuff out first. I start the hot water and pour probably half a cup of dish soap into that sucker. Between that and the air freshener my stomach is finally starting to calm down. My throat was raw and it hurt to swallow my own saliva. And now I have a headache from all of the heaving. Then my wonderful husband has the audacity to ask me if I am done making myself sick. As if I would put myself through that much strain and stress because I wanted to. As if it was on purpose. Needless to say my throat is hurting bad today. My tummy is still queasy. I am drinking some green tea right now and it is a slow go. Even coffee does not sound good. Not even Tim Horton’s.

Monday, August 3, 2009

To fill or not to fill...

Really it is a moot point. I did get a fill today. And it was my first one in almost a year. In fact the last time I saw my doctor back in October of 2008, I had a bit of an unfill. So this is huge for me. I don't know how I am going to handle having very good restriction again. I mean I had a little before, but since I could still take normal (read really large) bites and eat things like bread and pasta I knew I was not where I needed to be. My head is nowhere near ready. I don't know what else I can do about that. I mean other than the obvious. I can't afford professional help right now. And that just sucks. But I am not going to dwell on that. I think.

So I did not gain on my vacation. That was a bonus. Especially since I ate everything under the sun. Thus prompting said fill. Oh did I mention that I got another .75cc in my band? And Dr. B calls this a non agressive fill. I have drank not even 1/4 of my protein shake. In 15 min. This is certainly a bit aggressive. But I am going to stick it out.