Confessions of a Fat Chick

Seriously....WTF?

2010-10-26T23:29:00.001-04:00

Welcome back fatty. Nothing says failure like gaining 50 pounds.

Well I am updating at a rate of once per month...

2010-09-06T13:41:00.002-04:00

So the summer is winding down. The kids are back to school tomorrow. And I start my NEW JOB!!!!!! Well not totally new, but a management job nonetheless. I am in the same department and office but I have basically switch positions with my old supervisor. He is not upset about the switch (or so he says) so I am now da boss and I got a huge pay raise. So yeah big changes. I am freaked out but excited at the same time.

Weight has been nothing but a huge hassle. Up and down the same 20 pounds. But I did accomplish some goals. Firstly I did my first (and second) triathlons. All I can say is that it was awesome. And I did not come in last place. Bottom of the pack but not the very bottom :) I also broke my personal record for the 5k, while wearing my prom dress (yes, the actual prom dress from high school). I wore it over running clothes and it was still too big. So that felt pretty good.

Anyhow yeah. That is the summer in a nutshell. Tomorrow starts school and the busy schedule of dance 5 days a week and football 5 days as well. Time management is going to be key and a huge challenge. I am hoping I can work it out.

So bad at updating

2010-08-30T04:50:00.002-04:00

I look at blogger daily and think I should update. But then I don't. It's been a crazy busy summer and I only expect it to get busier during the school year. And I am still not updating now. Maybe later this week I will have the chance to recap my summer. Still keeping my fingers crossed for some good news today.

Sick of it

2010-07-09T17:27:00.002-04:00

Must be nice to be unemployed. Apparently that is a free card to sit on your ass all day long. Oh wait, I mean except for the load of laundry and 10 dishes that you did and expect praise for. And I never knew a clean house meant shit all over the floor and laundry just sitting around waiting to be put away. Why bother working all day long when you can just do nothing. Especially when your spouse finds a place for the kids to hang for the day so you can sleep in? I am done. I don't have anything left to fucking give.

More frustration

2010-06-30T04:57:00.002-04:00

My mood is bouncing around an awful lot these days. Maybe it is post vacation blues or just a bunch of anger that has been held in far too long. Or just frustrations with work. At any rate I feel like I am sinking fast here.

Let's start with the hubby. I am doing my best to be all supportive in his job loss but there comes a time when you just have to suck it up and deal with it. I was feeling poor before but now I am just feeling darn near destitute. We are going to lose the house. And I feel helpless about it because it is not in my name and I can't do anything about it. He is the only one who can and I am tired of feeling like I am badgering him on regular basis. I feel like I am prodding a child to go and do something he doesn't want to do. And it feels like all lines of communication are severed. We are not talking very well and I feeling frustrated on a daily basis. How do you talk to someone that does not want to be talked to? Furthermore I come home from work to a messy house every single day. He seems to think that if he does one thing-like take out the trash-he deserves some sort of medal. Or at least for me not to complain. And when I do he always finds some way to throw it back in my face and try to make me feel guilty. But I feel like I should not have to clean the house and cook the dinner when I am the one who is working 50+ hours per week. I am starting to feel like I have 3 children-one teenager and two little ones. Ugh.

Then we have my best friend that has been back from Arizona for the last month and has time for everyone but me. I try to make plans with her when it is a good time for me (like on a weekend or a night I don't have to be up at 4:30am the next day) but she always has something else going on. It might seem selfish on my part but I still have a full time job here. I have two kids that need to be to baseball practice or dance. She has nothing but time. My best friend is spending her entire vacation hanging out with every friend she has at home except for me. And it hurts. I makes me feel like she doesn't care.

Of course there is always work. Our main computer for the stocking system we use has crashed and is not going to be fixed. I have found a way around it but it involves a whole lot more manual work on my part. I don't mind doing the work but I have a lot of other projects I am working on. I'm stressing and I don't like it.

Vacation all I really want is...

2010-05-26T21:02:00.002-04:00

Two more days of work. Thank goodness. As much as I love my job, I am ready for a break. Things have been kind of intense lately. I am feeling some pressure to get things done and I am not quite sure if those things are possible. But I am going to do what I can to get it all done. Deadlines....well maybe not so much. But the work will get finished. I could go into the details but really, it is boring unless you get all geeked out by inventory and cost savings.

So onto my health issues. Or lack thereof. My labs are normal, which has not been confirmed by the MD but being in the hospital system it is not too difficult to get a hold of your labs. So no mono, and my blood work is pretty good. But I am still feeling tired. The doc is probably going to want to test me for sleep apnea. It does run in my family and my family, thought not super skinny, are basically all on CPAP machines. So we will see what happens when he finally gets back to me.

My eating has been nothing but a hot mess. I know I am screwing it up but I don't stop. I procrastinate. I say I will start Monday. Then Monday comes and goes and I plan for the next week. I need to get up and get active. And get out of the house. I am slowly doing it. I can only use the excuse of mourning the loss of my racing plans for the summer for so long. It's time to get up and at em. And stop making excuses. Maybe on Monday :)

This weekend we are going camping. We spent a bit more money than we should have on a new gigantic tent. At least it will be big enough to live in if we are foreclosed on. That is looking like more of a possibility every day. Sad how we spent the last 5 years struggling for this to not happen, only to reach the near end of the chapter 13 and lose the house anyhow. But whatever happens, happens. I can only control so much, and this is one of those things that is out of my hands.

I think.....

2010-05-23T06:26:00.000-04:00

that I might be depressed.

Attitude is everything...

2010-04-17T03:35:00.002-04:00

There are two approaches to everything in life. Positive and negative. I want to be the girl with the positive attitude. I want to be Pollyanna. And sometimes I am really successful with dealing with some of the hands that life deals me. But how do you deal with watching your goals for the year go up in a poof of smoke?

It's no question that we have little extra income. Pretty much every week is lived paycheck to paycheck. And when you are counting on seeing a little extra money come in from somewhere (taxes perhaps?) and it doesn't, it certainly hurts. But even that is something that is short lived. It would be hard for me to say that we are really poor because in reality we are not. We choose to spend a lot of money on our kids activities because they love it and we want to give them whatever is possible. If that means a little (okay, a lot) less in the bank then so be it. It's a little scary when your bank account hits $0.13 but you know that payday is just down the road. And you struggle for another week. But what happens when that income is halved?

My husband lost his job yesterday. After 13 years of service he was let go because he made too much money for his position and was not interested in advancing. He was not a poor performer but he was disliked by one of the owners of the franchise for not wanting to advance and be a lifer. My husband has spent the better part of the last 10 years working 47 hours a week in a job he loathed. He did it to make sure we had a roof over our heads, food on the table, and health insurance. He went from store to store and improved the quality of the service and staff. He may not have been interested in advancing but he was good at what he did. He was told his services were no longer needed. A permanent layoff.

My racing goals for the year are shot. Not because I can't do it, but because I can no longer afford it. It sucks and it hurts. I am trying to not be bitter about it. Or discouraged. But it is really, really hard. However, just because I can't afford the race, doesn't mean I have to give up my fitness. It might take my mind a little while to believe that though. It's like a punch in the gut right now. And it is a struggle to stay positive.

We have reworked a budget and are hopeful that he will receive the maximum unemployment benefit. If that is the case the unemployment will cover the mortgage. I will be responsible for the remaining bills. It is really tight. Really tight. The kids will not be able to participate in the activities that they have been. Or at least not at the frequency. Competitive dance is out for next year. I have no idea how I am going to break that to my daughter. It hurts my heart.

But we are a family. And we are strong. And we can get through anything. I know that sometimes the ends justify the means. When I lost my job at the end of '05 I thought it was the end of the world. And now I am in a job that I love making significantly more money than I would be if I were still in my old position. Dan hated his job, and I think beyond the fear and the grief he is relieved. He doesn't have to worry about working crazy shifts and being up late working just to show up at 7am the next day. He doesn't have to come home smelling like he was dipped in grease. He doesn't have to dread every day that he has to go to work. I think he is going to be much happier once the shock wears off.

And I am going to be okay as well. Just because I will not accomplish racing in a triathlon this year does not mean I will never race in one. It just means that I won't do it as soon as I might like. God has a plan for us and I refuse to be scared about it. I am going to trust that everything will be okay. We will survive this because that is who we are and what we do.

Wow...just Wow.

2010-03-19T22:28:00.004-04:00

So today was a gorgeous day. I decided to take advantage of it by taking the bike out for a quick spin. I set up a babysitter for the boy and took the girl to dance (2 hours of classes on Fridays!). I also invited one of the other dance moms to come with me. We like to call her Coach. She is this amazing marathon runner. Like can run 14 miles in a day barely breaking a sweat. Anyhow she has a few triathlons under her belt and is planning on doing an ironman next year. So in order to make myself better I gotta hang with those people that are better than me, right? So we went to the park and did a 9 mile ride. Didn't have time for more and the whole trail had not been opened yet anyhow. At any rate I pushed myself extra hard. It was a good ride for the first time out this season. But the best part was about 10 minutes ago when she texted me and said that she had a hard time keeping up with me. I know running is her main thing but hearing that from someone who has enough fitness to qualify for Boston and run an ultrmarathon (50 miles) last year made me feel really good. Like one of the best compliments I have gotten.

Seeing Green

2010-03-14T20:43:00.002-04:00

It's been awhile since I have been on here. I guess first things first. Since my first post of the year I have lost 18 pounds. The only thing I have been trying to do is to cut out sugar (from cookies, cakes, etc) and starting my triathlon training. I have not been the best with it, but I have been hitting the gym on a more regular basis.

And today was my first challenge of the year. The Shamrocks and Shenanigans 5K. I have done a few 5Ks in the past so this was nothing new. Nor was is my fastest time. It was, however, the first time I have done a 5K and ran the entire distance. No walking. And it was a wicked hilly course. I am certainly happy with my 45:05 time. I am in pain but I can't stop smiling.

2010...Year of Change

2010-01-01T08:25:00.002-05:00

Change is my goal. Not a resolution. Resolutions are made to be broken. Change is something I need to find. 2009 was not the worst year of the aughts (ohs?), but can you blame a girl for wanting more? I have had high expectations of weight loss and fitness, yet I have not come anywhere close to achieving them. There are so many things I want to do that I have not even come close to doing. So for 2010 I make change my goal. A change in my eating behavior. A change in my fitness. A change in my thinking. I know this is something I can do. I wanna make the start of the oh-ten decade a great one.

I have been talking about how I want to do a triathlon for nearly 3 years now. This is my year to finally come through. I have a date picked out and I have people who are in on it with me. I can't back out if I have a buddy counting on me. I also want to run in the Freep Press Marathon. Obviously not the whole thing, but the half. These are my two main feats for the year. The first will happen in June and the second in October. I have a training plan and I am ready to go. My lovely husband was so kind to get another gym membership at a gym with a pool so I have no excuses. So here is my tentative plan:

March 14: Shenanigans and Shamrocks 5K

April 10: Martian Marathon 5K

May 1: Willow Duathlon

June 13: Sprint Triathlon

July 11: Muddy Buddy

August 28: 10k (Haven't found one yet though)

September 11: Tawas Olympic Triathlon

October 17: Detroit Half Marathon

So there it all is in writing.

Happy 2010

Let there be light...

2009-08-29T08:05:00.002-04:00

Thank you, thank you, thank you God. We finally have electricity and gas. We are still just slightly short on the cell phone payment, however, the cell phone is a luxury and not a necessity. So if we lose it, no big deal. We have our treadmill and some other things to sell on craigslist and hopefully that will pay for a few extras we are needing. Namely, stuff for my cousins wedding next month. I have to finish payment on the boy child's tux and get alterations for the girl child's and my dresses. And get this done soon! But I have faith that we can finish this up. I went grocery shopping yesterday and have the left over cash stored in an envelope in case we need anything else. Because of the big DTE bill and paying back my girlfriend we had to cut our gas and grocery money down a bit, but since I over estimated for both of those it is no big deal. I am a happy, happy girl right now.

Well, as of late my blog has been taken over by all sorts of financial woes instead of the general I hate dieting smack talk. Yeah, that has totally been on the back burner (minus actually burning-no gas). I am having a hard time fitting things in to my schedule. Work is taking a lot out of me. Trying to balance 50 hours/week with home life is taking a toll. Plus once school starts there will be 3 nights of dance lessons and probably 3-4 nights of soccer. Both of these in completely different locations. Soccer practice I like. There is a walking trail and a giant hill. I can be active there. Dance is a different story. Monday nights are just bad because it is only a 30 minute class. I spend more time in the car than I do at the studio. Plus I was debating putting the kids in swim lessons afterward. But it might be too much. Tuesdays are a bit better. Dance is almost 2 hours. I could potentially get a workout in there. On Friday dance is nearly 3 hours long. No doubt I can fit something in there, but with the boy child it might be a pain. As for soccer, I am still clueless about the schedule. Practices have been Mon and Wed from 6-7. Games-I hope to find out about soon. If Hubs worked a normal 9-5 life would be much, much easier. But sometimes I have to juggle this stuff alone and it gets frustrating. Add in housework and cooking and I am a busy girl. Sometimes I wish I did not have to work. I do love my job, don't get me wrong. But I also love being a Mom and wife and doing all that domestic stuff as well. I might not be the best at it, but I do enjoy it.

Anyhow, yeah. This weekend is going to be about getting the house back into shape (vacuum much?) and planning a working fitness schedule for myself. Sounds just peachy to me.

Almost there

2009-08-26T19:23:00.002-04:00

One more day until we pay the bills. I know this is not fat girl related but it is current events related. And this current event will never happen again. This has been an eye opener and a complete frustration. But since I am trying to stay positive, I am thankful that I have my pretty pink laptop that I can take to Panera on this rainy day. And thankful for my father in law taking the kids for the night. And thankful that I am exhausted because I do have a job that starts at 4 or 5 in the morning. At any rate, we are doing it and it is almost over. And as an added bonus, our bills will be all caught up once this is paid. Yessiree everything else is caught up. Woot.

Tried to get a workout in yesterday at the Y. Wanted to swim but of course both lap lanes were taken up by a class. So after waiting an hour and getting no where, Hubs and I took some nice warm showers and promptly cancelled our membership. We were starting to hate it anyhow. We found a new place and will be joining at the end of next month.

Yeah, 4 am is coming quick. Time to go home and get some shut eye.

A trying day

2009-08-25T04:59:00.002-04:00

I started the day yesterday with the best of intentions. I was going to control my own destiny. Well, at least my reactions to the things going on around me. And for the most part I did. And this is a big deal because I had a pretty awful day yesterday. I found out I forgot about some money I owed someone. And I hate the fact that my not paying her made her hurt. I completely overlooked it and felt like the biggest jerk. Then I got home to finding out that in the grand tradition of losing utilities this August that the power has been cut out. $450 to turn it back on. I have about $2.58 in change on my dresser and 47 cents in the bank. Oh this is not going to do. So either I ask my parents to bail us out (again) or we suffer through until at least Friday. So Friday it is. Luckily we are poor so there is not much more than 10 various bags of frozen veggies and bread in the freezer. The bit of meat we do have is going to get cooked up on the BBQ tonight. It will be a grand feast. The refrigerator stuff is going into a cooler and the frozen veggies to my girlfriends house. The kids enjoyed the "camping out" last night. Complete with candles and flashlights. I have the battery for the torch charging here at work so we can play some cards tonight. We are turning this into an experience instead of letting it get us down. It's only a few more days. We can do it and we can enjoy the non electric family time.

So the power outage pretty much killed my plan of going home and using the treadmill yesterday. And the gym was out because Boy child had soccer at 6 and child care does not open until 4. So Girl child and I walked the path and the big hill during Jared's practice. And we went to the gym afterward. I did not get in the 6 miler I had hoped (believe me that was a high,high hope) but I did do 30 minutes on the treadmill and was super sweaty afterward. It has been too long since I have ran. So total for yesterday was about 3 miles. I am going to go for it again today. And who wouldn't want to, seeing as I followed that up with a candle lit cold shower. Amazing day.

Oh and BTW frozen chicken nuggets cook up very nicely in a foil pack on the BBQ.

Feeling good

2009-08-24T03:18:00.002-04:00

So it is super early on this glorious Monday morning. Despite the constant yawning that plagues me regardless of my waking time, I am off to a good start. I am choosing to have a great day. I can't control the things that happen around me but I can control how I react to them. Instead of being angry about my 3 am wake up call, I can feel blessed that I have a job. And not just a job, but a job that I enjoy and have the opportunity to excel at.

Today is weigh in day. I am not going to get all bent out of shape about that either. It is was it is. And I can't expect magic on the scale if I don't put forth the effort. My band has controlled quite a bit of my eating these last few weeks and now it is my turn to do my part. Because without that I will only fail.

Dealing with it

2009-08-22T09:07:00.005-04:00

Well less than a week to go before we get the gas turned back on. Honestly, I am getting kind of used to the cold showers and lack of stove. I love me some BBQ and having to have it every single night has not gotten old. And having to heat water to do the dished on the BBQ? It just means I actually do the dished every night, instead of letting them pile up. I can do this.

So my weight loss is stalled. I am not gaining, which is great. But I am not losing either. I think I am at an optimal fill level. But I need to start working with it, not against it. Eating crap food and candy bars is not going to help my cause. I think I may need a shock collar to keep myself out of the candy aisle. Though my vision of that goes something like this- chew, chew, OUCH, chew,chew, OUCH, chew, chew, HOLY SHIT OUCH, chew,chew. I am afraid if would not even help. Heck I get so full sometimes that my whole chest burns and all I can think about is how I can get another bite in there. It is sick. Why can't I have an excessive exercise habit, or shopping addiction, or heroin? I really might take a heroin addiction over food because then I would at least be thin.

I am also wondering if maybe I am a bit dehydrated. I have been waking up every day with the feeling of a hangover. Slight headache and just a general feeling of blah. I am not a fan. So I need to try and put forth some effort into making sure in to getting enough fluids. Then if I am still feeling like ass I can start examining all of the reasons why I must be dying. Because I am a hypochondriac like that. Don't hate.

And the water is so not going down. Damn this band is a fickle bitch.

And so I am going to add on to this to keep myself out of the kitchen. I am stuffed full and wanna barf. As if I ate a whole pizza and not just 1/8c of Spaghetti-os and 3/4 slice of bread. Yeah I know it is not healthy but it's poor. And right now poor trumps healthy. I had to do one of the biggest WLS no-nos like 20 minutes ago. I took a Motrin 800. Now for those of you without WLS Motrin is a huge no-no for the chemical shit storm it causes in your stomach. Since your stomach is smaller you have a much greater chance of developing an ulcer. But for me at this point in my life the chance of an ulcer is no where near outweighed by the throbbing migraine that is pulsating though my skull. Or is that the other way around? At any rate the headache is bad enough for me to take the Motrin. And risk bleeding ulcers. Maybe I would change my tune if I actually had an ulcer but since I have not had the displeasure of one of those puppies I will just chance it. Plus took it with a bunch of milk. And then followed that up with Spaghetti-os. As if anything bad happens to people who eat Chef Boyardee.

Really over this whole poor thing...

2009-08-09T14:35:00.002-04:00

Well we have lost yet another utility. And here I am coming to you straight from my parent's basement. Can I get a woo woo? Nothing screams out loser quite like doing something from your parents basement. Unless of course you are doing this after just recently eating 4 packets of hot chocolate because you were craving sugar. Without bothering to actually mix it with anything. Just the powder. Which I have. Don't judge me. If you had PMS and it was the only sugar/chocolate available you would have done the same thing.

Now I am tired and have a tummy ache. Both directly related to the powdery chocolate incident and the quickly approaching sugar crash. Oh Nestle Quik how easily you tempt me.

I guess I will have to start working out tomorrow.

I can't eat if I am typing....right?

2009-08-07T16:56:00.002-04:00

This is the blog where I really don't have much to say (as if I ever do) but I have to type something to keep myself from shoving crackers into my mouth. My stomach has been sending the all full signal to my head since 3/4 of the way through my tiny salad. Yet I have finished the salad and moved on to the Ritz crackers. Now I am incredibly full. Full enough to discuss the incident at support group in an hour. My stomach hurts and I don't like it. Yet still I am here tying away and struggling to not eat anymore crackers. This whole head hunger thing sucks. 2.5 years later and I still don't have a hold on it. Hence the reason I am no where near goal. I constantly say that I am not an emotional eater but I have had an emotional day. So maybe that is where the need to feed is coming from.

So it is no big secret that we have trouble paying our bills. Not because we should but because we make the stupidest choices ever. Like buying stupid things. Really when all is said and done we should have well over $1000 to spend on gas, groceries and other random shit. Yet bills are not getting paid. Like my gas/electric bill. Apparently sometime down the line I missed a payment. Because I am supposed to be on the budget billing. You know, the one where regardless of use you pay the same each month? Well they cancelled my budget billing and have been trying to charge me for the whole thing. Since I am great at avoidance I just kept paying the budget price and ignored the phone calls and emails. Well at some point this stops working and they send out their little meter bitch to cancel my service. Through some very real tears and shenanigans the meter bitch says he can just cut my gas service and leave the electric. Thank you sweet Jesus. Instead of carrying candles around and playing 17th century games I just get to bathe in icy cold water and cook all the meals on the grill or in the microwave. Oh the luxury. And now I have to suck it up and make the phone call because we can no way pay this off before the end of the month. And I can't handle losing my electric too. I don't even like it when storms knock the power out for 10 minutes.

At least my car payments will be up to date on the 15th. But of course that means making over $900 in payments this month. Pretty pathetic when your payment is only a little over $300/month.

I am feeling pretty PO right now. PO enough that I am jealous of POOR people. At least they can claim the OR. We are just sitting here being PO hoping to one day reclaim the OR and become POOR again. Maybe in September.

At the very least I am not hungry anymore. That's a win.

Bad Night.

2009-08-06T08:07:00.002-04:00

I had what was probably my worst vomiting episode ever last night. And it was not even from eating. I cleaned out the fridge on Tuesday afternoon and found my crock-pot in the back full of some nasty funk. I think it was chicken noodle soup. From May. Gross. Anyhow I pulled it out and put it on the counter. Started cleaning, and then the girl child had to go to dance. Stupidly I assumed Hubs would be finishing up the dishes. Not so much. Anyhow, I get home at 9:15 last night. Mind you I have been at work since 6am. Worked from 6a-6:30p and then had support group at 7. So first thing I see is him lounging on the couch watching TV. No biggie. I go outside and water the flowers since they are half dead after vacation. I get that done and go out back to turn off the water and there is a garbage bag on the porch that just reeks. I mean it smells like a dead animal. So I am gagging and walking it over to the garbage can by the fence. Then I go in the back door and the stench really hits me. Ew. Nasty foul festering chicken noodle soup in the crock pot. If I had another crock-pot I would have just thrown it out. So I cover my nose and mouth with my shirt and dump the contents into the trash. Then I try to carry the trash outside and I am just dry heaving like crazy. My eyes are watering from the stink. I am starting to cry and get pissy because TOM is just about here and Hubs is still laying around. So now that he hears me in the backyard just heaving and heaving he is trying to figure out what is wrong. Now a little bit of stuff is coming up and I have the dry heaves mixed in with small bits of slimy spit. And my face is still inside my shirt so I am basically puking on myself. Now I am bawling and heaving and trying to wash out this crock. The sink is full of dishes since Hubs never touched them so I have to get all this stuff out first. I start the hot water and pour probably half a cup of dish soap into that sucker. Between that and the air freshener my stomach is finally starting to calm down. My throat was raw and it hurt to swallow my own saliva. And now I have a headache from all of the heaving. Then my wonderful husband has the audacity to ask me if I am done making myself sick. As if I would put myself through that much strain and stress because I wanted to. As if it was on purpose. Needless to say my throat is hurting bad today. My tummy is still queasy. I am drinking some green tea right now and it is a slow go. Even coffee does not sound good. Not even Tim Horton’s.

To fill or not to fill...

2009-08-03T18:04:00.002-04:00

Really it is a moot point. I did get a fill today. And it was my first one in almost a year. In fact the last time I saw my doctor back in October of 2008, I had a bit of an unfill. So this is huge for me. I don't know how I am going to handle having very good restriction again. I mean I had a little before, but since I could still take normal (read really large) bites and eat things like bread and pasta I knew I was not where I needed to be. My head is nowhere near ready. I don't know what else I can do about that. I mean other than the obvious. I can't afford professional help right now. And that just sucks. But I am not going to dwell on that. I think.

So I did not gain on my vacation. That was a bonus. Especially since I ate everything under the sun. Thus prompting said fill. Oh did I mention that I got another .75cc in my band? And Dr. B calls this a non agressive fill. I have drank not even 1/4 of my protein shake. In 15 min. This is certainly a bit aggressive. But I am going to stick it out.

Posting just to post.

2009-07-14T06:45:00.001-04:00

I am just feeling so blah today. I don't know if it is let down from the Muddy Buddy being over or just some rather harsh PMS. Or maybe even a bit of both. At any rate, I am in a nasty bit of a funk.

The Muddy Buddy was great. I was lucky to have a partner that wanted to do the majority of the running. My strategy was to just bike the hell out of the biking portions and walk the running portions. It served me well. I suck at running but I don't completely suck at biking. We did improve our time by 14 minutes from last year so we must have done something right.

Guess it as been awhile

2009-07-01T18:11:00.002-04:00

I have been really busy. And by really busy I mean lazy. There are plenty of things to do around here but I have zero motivation to do any of them.

I am *officially*broke. I have $1.92 in my checking account and was excited to find a $1 bill in the laundry. I do have a bucket of change that I could roll, but alas the laziness kicks in again. Luckily I get paid tomorrow so I can do things like make my car payment and pay my phone bill.

The reason for the brokeness is the fabulous vacation we just took to Panama City Florida. Girl child had a dance competition there this past weekend and we had a blast. They took 4th place out of 23 teams, not too shabby for their first ever national competition. So we made a vacation of it. We had a great time just hanging out at the ocean and relaxing. We also learned what kind of money we are going to need to be putting away for next year's trip. So we don't end up broke and drooling for a paycheck. Like right now. But hey at least I have a cabinet full of Ramen noodles.

And I wore a sleeveless shirt in Florida. Everyday. It was just too hot to do anything else. That is a huge step for me.

I feel like a Yo-yo

2009-06-13T09:41:00.003-04:00

I go back and forth, up and down, over and over again. I have too much time, yet I can never seem to find the time. I diet, I stop. I workout, I stop. It just never feels like I can continue with anything. But eventually that will change, right?

So I read about someone who thinks food is more of an obsession than an addiction. And that she takes OCD meds to help with the head hunger. I wonder sometimes if that would help me at all. I don't feel like I eat because I am sad. Or mad. Or happy. But I do think about food and obsess about it all the time. And if it gets in my head it feel like I have to eat it. Even if I am full. Even if I am not hungry. Kind of like an OCD person might wash their hands. I don't know how to explain it really but the thought is there.

I did get out earlier in the week and run. 6 miles. Six very slow miles. But I did it and that is what is important. The Muddy Buddy is in less than a month and I just do not feel even close to ready.

And now summer is here and the kids are out of school. I have a huge project at work that is going to eat up most of my summer. The OT is nice but missing out on life, not so much. Hopefully it will go smoother than we are thinking.

Today, today it's all or nothing....

2009-05-26T05:20:00.002-04:00

The holiday weekend went very well. The girl child had a friend stay the night on Friday and on Saturday morning we all went camping. The weather was amazing. Some friends came out to the park to celebrate the boy child's birthday and to hang out for swimming and a BBQ. We had some great food and great times. The lake was much warmer than expected and the kids had a blast hanging out at the beach. The parents had a blast sitting around the campfire with some good drinks and good stories. The rain on Sunday morning forced us to realize that our tent was in fact, not waterproof. But covering up the blankets with towel and going back to bed was something that could be accomplished. I read a whole book just to get to end and be so disappointed. And I wasn't even too angry about it. Smores were delicious. The girl child's crush of the century was there. Poor kid is about 5 years too old for her but takes it all in stride. He's good people for a 13 year old. I can't imagine my life when my boy crazy 8 year old is a boy crazy 13 year old. I can't imagine her anger when she realizes I am serious about her being 16 before she can date. At least I have a few more years until she will spend many of her days hating me for being unfair. We came home late Sunday night. I was supposed to go to a party but never managed to get the directions before falling asleep. I was exhausted and slept nearly 12 hours. Which is unheard of for me. Yesterday we took the kids to find some "treasure" at the park. Once we found the location neither Hubs nor I could find it. Leave it to the 6 year old with glasses. Amazing stuff. Spent some time in the nature museum and had some half off slushes at Sonic. Went home to a clean house and had some BBQ dinner. It was probably as close to a perfect weekend as I am ever going to get. Definitely the best holiday weekend I have ever had. I am just to thankful I was there to enjoy it.

So on to today. I was a little late for work. Only a minute or so but considering I did not hear my alarm until about 25 minutes after it was going off that is really not too bad. I guess I need to turn the volume up just a bit. But I had lunches ready and only needed to shower. So now I am here. I have a lot of work to get done today so I know I will be here later than I might like. I also will run 3 miles today. That is one thing that no matter what I am going to get done. Even if my eating goes off plan the running is something I need to do for myself. Just to give some time to myself. To reflect. To relax. I am going to keep a cheerful attitude because sometimes you have to fake it until you make it. Not that I am faking it right now but who knows what later will bring. I have had a pretty good start in getting myself up out of the dumps and I want to keep that momentum rolling.

In a better place today.

2009-05-23T06:42:00.004-04:00

So a friend emailed me and helped to give me a bit more perspective on how I am feeling and handling things. I know I did not respond but I do want to say thank you. It did help.

I am making an appointment with my doctor to talk about things. After the culmination of the other night with me crumpled in the corner sobbing and unable to even get myself up to take care of my kids I knew I had to do something. I know I get all dramatic about things and wicked emotional. And based on the monthly timing I know it is hormonal. I don't always feel like that even though in the moment it certainly seems that way. But my PMS episodes are getting increasingly worse and I don't know if I can handle another one like this past week. It nearly tore me apart. The last time I was that bad was after I had my boy and I was suffering some major post-partum depression. So if the meds helped then hopefully they can do the trick now.

So that is where I am at now. Not perfect but certainly not the mess I was a few days ago. Hopefully once I can get into the doctor I can this head thing regulated. Slow steps. Very slow steps.

Today we are taking the kids camping. It is going to be a beautiful day and I am very thankful for that. The good friend who sent me that amazing email posted this on her blog and said she was going to reflect on it today. I think I am going to do the same because it is a beautiful quote:

Gratefulness is the key to a happy life that we hold in our hands, because if we are not grateful, then no matter how much we have we will not be happy -- because we will always want to have something else or something more. -Brother DavidSteindl-Rast

Exposing myself and my fraud

2009-05-20T14:55:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I wonder if somewhere deep down inside I enjoy the torture that I seem to put myself through daily. I think that people around me, those who see me on a daily basis would just be absolutely shocked if they knew the real me. God, I feel like I am just this amazing actress on a daily basis and it just takes everything out of me. By the end of the day I am just physically and emotionally exhausted. I know all the right things to say and all the right things to do to make my life reflect something that it just isn't. People at work have this perception of me being this strong person who can do anything and doesn't care what people think. But I do care! I care what I think. And most of the time the thoughts that are rolling around in my head are awful. I spend so much of my day pitying myself. I pity my life. I pity my situation. I place blame. I place blame on so many other people. I am so envious of the things I can't have. I don't allow myself to have things and then I am angry that I never had them. Like a wedding. I never had a real wedding. Sure we did the vow thing and said I do. But I never got to walk down the aisle. I never got to be the center of attention. I never got to wear the beautiful white dress and have the pictures and the party. I never did any of that stuff. But most of all I never let anyone know how much it hurts that I didn't. Boy should I get an Oscar for that one because I always talk about how it was no big deal. I go to my friend's weddings and have a great time. And all the while I am sure no one knows how much I cry when I am alone watching a movie with a beautiful wedding. How happy I am for my friends though it is killing me inside. I say I am so thankful that I never had to deal with the stress of planning a wedding. I don't know how anyone can miss the envy in my eyes. And knowing I did this to myself makes it hurt that much more. I could have had a wedding and chose not to. I didn't want to be a burden to anyone. I was 20 and pregnant and embarrassed. And so angry. Angry for myself. Angry for my situation. And so undeserving. Always undeserving. And that just leads up to the guilt. The guilt that my problems are so minuscule compared to so many other people. I have so many blessing and all I do is waste away because I don't have the initiate to do something about it. I like to say I have all of these goals. That one day I am going to do all of these things. But lets face it. They are not really goals. They are just dreams. Only dreams because I never make them reality. I can't seem to let go enough to allow myself to deserve them. And I just become more and more frustrated with myself because I don't know why. I have spent countless hours trying to figure out the why. Why am I not good enough for myself? Why don't I deserve good things? Why can't I let myself have them? I have so much hurt and anger and frustration built up inside of me that I can hardly stand it any longer. It is consuming me and slowly pushing everything that is good out of my life. It is sucking my time away from me. Precious time that I can never get back. Instead of doing things with the people who matter the most I am retreating back into this shell of a person I have become. This house of cards that I have painstakingly built is slowly tumbling down. I feel like I am losing a grip on reality and retreating back into my dreams. I would rather daydream than actually live my life. Because in my dreams I can be anything and do anything. Instead of feeling so small and insignificant. Because how can I ever be anything to anyone if I can't be anything to myself?

I would walk 500 miles

2009-05-08T09:33:00.006-04:00

It's Friday and it's payday. But my check is pretty much all used up. Between my bills and money sucking children I am left with almost enough money for a Butterfinger. Almost. Good thing I gave the stuff up a few weeks ago. One day I am going to not be living paycheck to paycheck. Probably in about 2065 when the Lions win a Superbowl and I am covered in 6 feet of earth. Or sitting on my daughter's mantle since I hear that's a much cheaper option.

I don't have an incredibly busy weekend but I do have some things going on. The girl has dance tonight. The boy has T-ball pictures and a game tomorrow. I also have to sign him up for soccer tomorrow as well. Sunday morning we have church super early since I lost my mind and signed up the kids for some religious ed classes. And I was too impatient to wait until the fall when they would have been offered at a more convenient time than 9:15am on a Sunday morning. I think I like self torture. A lot.

So on the fat end of things, my body is slowly shrinking. It has been 3 weeks since the great sugar detox and I am down 13 pounds total. Not too shabby. My jeans are no longer giving me that wonderful look of a fresh baked muffin and people claim to see it. I think people are just trying to stroke my ego. Probably to keep me from going postal at work. But yeah, riding high on 210 as of yesterday morning. Yippie ki yay.

I have done a bit of walking this week. I did 3 miles Wednesday and 4 miles yesterday. The plan is to do another 4 miles in about 10 minutes or so. But then again we are also debating walking up to coney island so it is not like it is all for the benefit of exercise. I would walk my fat butt 500 miles for a good coney dog. Especially if someone else was buying.

Truckin' Along

2009-05-06T05:17:00.003-04:00

I am really, really tired. The kind of tired that just sinks into your bones. The kind of tired that has you yawning at every turn. The kind of tired that causes you to nearly fall asleep standing up while you are in line at the grocery store. This is my life on less than 5 hours sleep. It is bad enough when that happens one night but now it has been 3 nights of not much sleep and I am feeling it bad. I have support group tonight from 7-9 and the thought of not being in bed super early is making me sick to my stomach. I need to go to group. The shrink is going to be there talking about food and I need to talk to the shrink. Despite the fact that my food demons have quieted in the recent weeks, I still know they are lurking deep inside waiting to jump back out when I am having a weak moment. I just want to know how to keep them from ruling my life. But at the same time I need some freaking sleep. It hurts to type and considering my job entails me to be at a computer most of the day....well again crying comes to mind. I am too tired to even make a witty comment.

Yesterday I high tailed it to Meijer and bought myself a few boxes of South Beach bars. They were on sale (most importantly) and I am a sucker for some good convenience food. Most people think diet bars are gross but having tried a few extremely foul protein bars/carb bars/dog food/funk I must say that these are pretty amazing. I had a Fiber Fit Smores granola bar last night and it was delicious. The only downside would be the freighter horn rivaling gas that I was tooting away in bed last night. But if you are like me and find farts hilarious (more so because I get the opportunity to dutch oven the Hubs) then this might be a good addition to your diet. Hey, I never said I was mature. And I personally believe that everyone thinks flatulence is funny. I am just one of those who admits it. However, eating one right now with my coffee may prove to be a less than smart decision professionally. Farting on my husband is one thing, but farting on my boss is quite another. Okay, okay, I am done with the gas.

I did get out on the bike yesterday at the metropark and rode 10 miles. It took me roughly 45 minutes to do and wiped me out. I did the second half much faster than the first since on the return I rode in the road instead of the bike path. It is amazing how much faster I ride in the street than on the path. We are talking 12.5mph vs 16-18 mph. I am really upset about not being able to do the PALM this year. I hope girl child's dance stuff does not fall on that week next year. I really, really want to go again.

I am planning to get out and run today after work. I even brought my clothes so I don't have to go home first. But since I plan on running every day and it has been a week since I have, I am not going to say it is set in stone. But it is my plan.

New week = Finally working out?

2009-05-04T06:58:00.002-04:00

It's Monday. New week. Things always seem to start best when you begin them at the beginning of the week, right? Except I started my South Beach on a Thursday and since that has been working I suppose I can throw the beginning of the week theory out the window. At any rate, I do want to get some exercise today. I am just debating what kind. Do I start up the weight training again? Do I run? What can I fit in my schedule. I feel like I am stretching myself in every direction. Both of the kids have sports. That takes up 4 or 5 nights per week (and every Saturday morning). My work schedule is going to become much more demanding in the next few weeks. And I need my sleep. That is one area of my life that I refuse to budge on. I need at least 7 hours, preferably 8. And considering I had a nice bought of insomnia last night followed by about 4 hours of restless sleep, my week is already starting out on a grand note. I obviously need more coffee.

So I am down another pound. I am officially the lightest I have been in 09, weighing in at a hefty 211. Considering the lack of exercise last week and my weekend of indulgence I am shocked. And by indulgence I mean a few bites of a soft pretzel, about 7 nachos, and a wicked ton of sugar free desserting. However, I did learn that a good way to completely ruin your appetite is to challenge your friend to a jalapeno eating contest before eating said pretzel and nachos. Then when she calls your bluff and takes you up on the challenge, proceed to stuff your face with jalapenos until your sinuses are crystal clear and you are breathing out smoke. Yeah, it completely ruined the pretzel. And food for most of the day. But obviously worked wonderfully for the diet. I am getting heartburn all over again just thinking about it.

And onto today's food plan. I have a computer class from 11a-3p with a bunch of morons. Well just 2 really stupid people and a couple awesome ones. So I am thinking I will eat my leftover dinner from last night for breakfast, stop by Kroger and get a carb watcher yogurt for snack and a box of South Beach bars for lunch (just eating one bar, not the box). And i pulled out some ground sirloin for dinner. I am thinking burgers on the grill. Hubs is working tonight so he won't be able to eat them all up.

Oh yeah, and running. So not holding my breath on that one.

Still not quite there yet.

2009-04-26T19:05:00.002-04:00

At least with restarting the P90X. Some of the reason being the horribly long weekend I have been dealing with and most of the reason being the dieting. I am still on phase one of South Beach until Thursday. So without fruit I don't really want to have to drink a protein shake. And I really need to drink one after lifting. So I am holding off for another week. But don't worry, I will be back soon enough.

The dieting is actually going really well. I have discovered a new dessert that is making me look forward to my evening snack. A no sugar added fudgsicle, 1TBS of peanut butter, and 2 TBS of sugar free cool whip. Smoosh it all together and enjoy. It is like peanut butter ice cream. So freaking good. I also have a little milk with it since I need to get in a few cups per day. I even managed to not eat any of the goodies at my daughter's dance competition this weekend, which is no small feat. There were 2 cafeteria tables full of yummy goodness. I survived on 2 slices of deli chicken and a slice of provolone wrapped in lettuce. Unfortunately that was all I ate all day long so by the the time I got home I was a little bit woozy. But better that than breaking my sugar fast, right?

Other than the sheer exhaustion I am feeling, my weekend went well. Very busy with kid activities. T-ball, dance competition, more T-ball, birthday party, church, church classes for the kids. Yeah, I am finally sitting down. But the most important thing i learned this weekend was though laziness always pays off immediately, procrastination is not a virtue when it comes to deli trays. Who would have thought that you actually have to pre-order those, and you can't just roll up to Meijer at 9pm on a Friday night a purchase one? But I did, in fact, create a rather cute deli tray in the wee hours of the night.

My early life crisis....

2009-04-22T05:15:00.000-04:00

So…yeah. I have been on hiatus for a while. It has not been the greatest month for me. I think a lot had to do with the coming of the big 29, soon to be followed by the big 30. Because now I am officially working toward 30. Back when I was a kid (and by kid I mean 20) 30 seemed so far away. And now it is going to be here in 364 more days. I am trying to make peace with it. And I am getting so tired of those people old than I telling me it is not a big deal. Because right now, in this moment, it is a big deal for me. I am not saying that I dislike my life, because I don’t. But my dreams and aspirations as a youngin certainly were nothing like the reality of it all. I’m still fat. I’m still unfit. I have these two wonderful children that arrived roughly 10 years early. I’m poor. Not eat out of the dumpster poor, but one big financial crisis away from not being able to pay the bills poor. I have a job that is totally unrelated to my bachelor’s degree. And if I want to do anything in my field of study I will need to spend more time in school. Which costs money. That I don’t have because I am poor. Last week I pulled out a gray hair. Which was a really pretty silvery color that I am just not quite ready to see in my hair just yet. Really I don’t think it is so much that I care about getting older, it is that sometimes I feel like I went somewhere wrong in my life. Like maybe I should have taken the road to the left instead of the road to the right. At times I feel the only thing I have done right is pushed out these two bundles of joy after many hours of rough labor. Yet I feel like I am lacking with them. I was so young when I had them, physically and emotionally. And I feel like I am so selfish at times that I don’t deserve to be a mother. And with the amazing example I had set by my mother, at times I just feel like I don’t measure up. I may have hated it at the time but I have the greatest mother in the world. And no I am not saying that because she is my Mom. She is seriously da bomb. Yes, I just said da bomb. Wicked awesome could be inserted in there as well. Oh, and back to the poor thing. To add insult to injury we had to pay about $600 extra in taxes this year. Like instead of receiving a refund check we had to send out a check. It was a pretty sad April 15th and the day I think I officially hit rock bottom.

So April 15th I am calculating around 4000 calories for that day. 4000 calories. Just looking at the number disgusts me. I was eating candy bars, fried food, gooey butter cake (darn that Paula Deen), and after the whole tax debacle we decided to drown our sorrows in margaritas and steaks at Texas Roadhouse. I felt like a bloated pig. And probably looked like one too. I am not sure how I managed to pack it in with my lap band. Heck, I am surprised I did not pop the thing right off my stomach. Anyhow, hubs and I were talking and he made a comment to me about how I am just letting myself go. I don’t do my hair, no makeup, sweatpants and scrubs are my life. I have been looking the way that I feel. Which is basically awful. He told me that I have been making myself look ugly and asked why I am doing it. It was really hard for him to say these things. He thought he really hurt my feelings. Which was not the case. It was a hard conversation to have. Hard for him because he did not want to hurt me, and hard for me because he was right. And all the while I am thinking that the real reason I have been wearing sweatpants is because my largest size 14 jeans are so tight I can hardly breathe in them. And the only other pair I have are size 24 from before surgery. It hurts so much to think that I am going to have to wear my size 24 jeans because I can’t afford a new pair of jeans that might fit.

The next day was Thursday. I came into work and reluctantly stepped on the scale. 223 is what flashed on the screen. I have allowed myself to gain 35 pounds this last year. That hurt. Bad. I came back to my desk feeling all sorts of dejected. I started checking my email and from one of my many dieting websites I had some info on the South Beach diet. I figured, what the heck. This is actually the only thing I have not tried yet. Following some form of this will at least get me off the sugar. So that is where I stand now almost a week later. Sugar free for 6 days (which for me is that same as an alcoholic being sober for 6 days) and feeling okay. At my weigh in on Monday I was standing at 213. 10 lbs in 4 days. I obviously was bloated after my pig out last week. And 213 is nearly the lowest weight I have seen all year. It felt nice. Like what I was doing was working. Especially since I have been hovering around 218 for the better part of 2 months. I have also been making an effort to do my hair and makeup, because I do feel better when I look better. But most of all I am just happy that I am getting this food thing a little bit under control. It is a struggle. And it is far from over. But I am slowly working on it.

As for the P90X, that is on hold at the moment. I may be able to add that back in on Monday. I am just working slowly at getting myself going again. I haven’t worked out in a few weeks (when was my last post because that was the last day) and I have to ease myself back into it. And yes, I will be sure to blog about it. I am still not sure if I am going to pick up where I left off or just start from scratch. Decisions, decisions. And that my friends is where the heck I have been.

P90X Day 38: Back and Biceps

2009-04-08T19:56:00.003-04:00

Worked my little butt off today. Gonna have to start selling ticket soon. Tickets to what? The gun show. Oh yeah baby I am getting me some bulging biceps. At least I think they are hiding there underneath the giant layer of fat. At any rate, I did get my workout done and feel pretty good about it. I also went to the metropark and ran for 30 minutes. I am slowly getting there. I feel my speed increasing ever so slowly. I can run longer and faster. But compared to most it is still super slow. Maybe I need to stop comparing myself to others. I think I do that too much.

So tomorrow I think I am going to try and get in some plyometrics. I did not get it done yesterday and we all know my feelings on yoga. But tomorrow is a busy day so getting anything in will be good for me. I am scheduled for a 30 minute swim tomorrow so it will be interesting to see how I juggle everything. I also have to get to the girl child's talent show at noon, pick the kids up immediately after school (no latch key) and also watch my friend's kids until she gets of work. Definitely going to be interesting.

Sore city

2009-04-07T07:31:00.003-04:00

I am sore, sore, sore today. Mostly my triceps and the giant knot in my back. That darn thing just keep reappearing. I think I need a professional massage to maybe get rid of it for good. I am tired of the pain.

Last night I accomplished much of what I wanted to get done. I finally caught up on dishes. Yes, that is hubby's job but sometimes he just lets it get out of hand and I just can't deal with it. So dishes are done. I even shined my sink. It was very pretty. The kids were bathed and in bed super early. They needed the sleep. Badly. I needed it too. I am still tired, but it is manageable.

This past weekend in between numbers at the dance competition my friend and I took our daughters shopping and out for lunch. This friend also has a lap band. At the end of the meal we look up to see the girl leaning backward and holding their hands up above their heads. When we asked what they were doing they said they were pretending to have lap bands. Now if you have a band, or know someone who does, you know that this is one way to help some food get unstuck when you have eaten to much. Sassy little girls cracked us up. Right up until both of us were waving our hands in the air trying to get the food moving again.

P90X Day 36: Chest, Shoulders, Triceps: Part 2

2009-04-06T19:05:00.002-04:00

I figure I have about 3 minutes for this post. The kid is in the shower and he usually makes it quick.

I have been super busy the last few days. The girl had a dance competition, so we were there all weekend long. They did a great job and placed 4th and 5th overall for both of their dances. Needless to say I have no time for posting.

Today's workout hurt bad. It is not easy. It is pain. But my push ups are improving. I can now do a few at the beginning of a set not on my knees. They are not picture perfect but I do feel much stronger even doing the push ups on my knees as well. That is definite improvement. I also did some lap swimming last week and managed to do 1000 meters without stopping. Again, a huge feat for me.

Well the boy is whining so I need to go tend to him. Hopefully now with school break coming up and activities on hold for a week I can get back into the swing of things.

Day 32. Yoga

2009-04-03T06:53:00.002-04:00

So kids, today's definition of yoga is this: Go to the metropark and jog/walk 4.5 miles. Yep that was about it. But I did run over a mile without stopping and that is a major deal for me. I like this kid of yoga lol. I think the plyo is helping on the cardio aspect for me. My knees and ankle were a bit sore. I am hoping that will not get in the way of my workout today, the ever so wonderful legs and back routine. It's all good. I can deal with it.

P90X Day 31

2009-04-02T05:12:00.003-04:00

Okay we are back on track here. Today's workout was Back and Biceps. Oh my goodness, I am feeling the burn now. Both my entire arms are now on fire and my back is hurting too. I really did not believe in the whole muscle confusion thing, but it is true. I am hurting a bit. So the workout was basically all pull up and bicep curls. There were a few other exercises thrown in, but that was the bulk of them. And the set of 40 curls at the very end was killer. Killer good, not killer bad. Also we got to do 5 set of supermans for 10 seconds each, with maybe 3 seconds of rest in between. For those you lay on your stomach with your arms straight out in front of you. Then you lift your lower and upper body as if you were flying like superman. They burn but they feel so good. I also need to get some more dumbbells. There were plenty of exercises that I needed a 12 pounder instead of the tens I was using. And also a few that I would have liked 8lbs. Today I am looking for a welcome rest from weight training. Even though the weights are my favorite part, my body is crying for rest today. As for yoga today, I am going to try for it. But I have to get a run in first. That is priority. Oh and did I mention that immediately after my P90X I took the bike to the metropark and cranked out 14.5 miles in 30 mph winds? 2 hours of working out yesterday. It was pretty sweet.

Oh, oh, oh, I forgot to mention the best part of this whole workout. The girl on the video was *gasp* just a normal girl. She was not one of the freaks of nature working out on the other videos. She used 10lb dumbbells like me and did the same number of reps. I can't tell you how much more motivated it made me to see a normal person doing this. I know I can't compete with the skinny little yoga dancers that somehow manage to lift more weight than their bodies. But I could keep up with this girl and it made me want to try harder. Loved it!

Drained

2009-04-01T08:25:00.002-04:00

I am seriously perched on the edge of exhaustion. I am one of those people who need 8 hours of sleep every night. I need it to function properly. The past week or so I have been averaging 4-6 hours per night and it is just not cutting it for me. Last weekend Korrine had her dance stuff going on and I just could not get sleep. I can't sleep late in the mornings so I need to go to bed early to compensate for that. I am okay with that but sometimes circumstances aren't. We did not get home from Grand Rapids until after 9:30 on Sunday night. I did not get to bed until almost 11. I work at 5am. You do the math. I have had to cover a position at work that I know nearly nothing about. That just adds to my mental exhaustion. I cried 4 times at work yesterday. Cried. Like a little baby. I was beyond frustrated and exasperated and just ready to throw in the towel. I fell asleep last night a little bit after 6pm out of sheer exhaustion. But I still had to be in extra early this morning to cover sick woman's position yet again. I am thinking she is going to be out all week. And I have a meeting tonight until 9pm. Korrine has 2 extra dance classes tomorrow night. And Friday we drive out for another competition. My house is still not cleaned. I don't know when I will have time for laundry. Working out? Trying very hard to make that a priority. And all of this worrying and complaining is only adding to my drainage.

I need a nap.

P90X Day 30 Chest, Shoulders, Triceps, oh my

2009-03-31T17:58:00.002-04:00

Obviously we are missing some days here. Really this should be listed as Day 29. But yesterday I had to meet a friend (our mutual friend's father passed away and she was very close to him)hat was in town from AZ for the funeral. So yesterday did not happen. I decided to ditch the plyo today and do yesterdays workout today. So that is where we stand. As for last week, well I was too busy for blogging. So we now begin again in week 5.

What can I say about today? Oh, I know. Ouch. Ouch is a great word. I can already tell I am going to be hella sore tomorrow. Tylenol has already been taken. Dishes were difficult to lift up into the cabinets. It's not going to be pretty. I am actually wishing for the dreaded push up/pull up workout that started it all. This one is much more difficult. But I did manage to show hubs two man push ups a few minutes ago. Now that is improvement.

Tomorrow is Back and Biceps. I think I am going to like that one. I like bicep work. And I am loving my new 20lb resistance band.

P90X Day 24 and 25

2009-03-27T05:35:00.003-04:00

So apparently recovery in my book means not doing any of my workouts. I have been out and walking and riding the bike, but just not so good on the P90Xing. Which I am okay with. I wanted to do this for the strength training that comes along with it. I did not get into it for the cardio. And I am letting my muscles recover this week. The weather looks like it is finally starting to warm up. Finally! I want to get outside and play. At any rate I have not yet decided if I am going to do the core synergistics workout today or not. I certainly do not like it but since hubs is home I might be able to con him into doing it with me.

On a very sad note, one of my friend's fathers passed away a couple hours ago. This friend also lost her sister to cancer a few years ago. It is just so much sadness for one family and it hurts my heart. My best friend who is out in Arizona is beside herself. This man was like a second father to her. And she is frantically trying to find a flight out here, but is having no luck finding anything last minute cheaper than $700. For those of you who pray, please keep them in your prayers.

P90X Day 23: Core Synergistics

2009-03-24T15:19:00.002-04:00

Yes folks, it is possible for me to dislike something more than Yoga X. I am not sure if it was because this was a combination of yoga/ARX/some strength crap or if I am just not in the mood for working out today. Possibly a bit of both? But it was rough and I despised it. I don't even want to talk about it right now. Maybe on Friday when I have to repeat the workout I will be ready to talk about it.

P90X Day 22: Yoga X - My way

2009-03-24T03:16:00.002-04:00

I loved yoga today. Wait, did I just say that out loud? Yes, yes I did. Why did I love yoga so much today? Because I didn't do the video. I took a nice walk/jog for a bit over an hour and did a nice big fat namaste at the end of it. I had to include a bit of the yoga, eh? Anyhow it felt good to run. As much as I feel like I am getting no results, my running was much, much easier than it has been in the past. And even if I only ran 1 mile out of the 4 it was not nearly as stressful as it has been in the past. That is a good thing. Best of all, I feel good about it. No guilt in not doing the yoga. My real purpose in doing the P90X is to get some sort of routine going again, and to get some weight training going on. I absolutely love the weight training aspect of this series. I love doing it at home and not at the gym in front of people. Now I have to add the cardio in. I need to get to the metro park and start running and biking daily. I have a big summer of races I want to commit to and I have to get training for that.

P90X Day 20 and 21

2009-03-23T06:10:00.004-04:00

I am so busy on the weekends that maybe I will just continue to post both days together come Monday morning. Anyhow it was just an easy Kenpo workout and rest day for me. Nothing major to blog about. My eating was atrocious. I basically took the second half of the week off from diet because a. I was having some massive pms; b. I was ticked that I had no weight loss for the previous week of pristine eating; c. I was just a giant beyotch and needed to be fed sugar and butter. Needless to say I managed to gain 5 pounds since last week. I am not stupid, I know it is water from the ginormous amounts of salt that entered my body (yummy movie theater popcorn). There is just no way possible that I ate over 15,000 calories more than I burned. It's not like I was hooked up to an IV drip full of butter. Nor would I want to be. I wanna eat that stuff baby not shoot it up into my veins. So now I am bloated and crabby and had to be at work at 4am. Blech. And my band has been giving me some issues this weekend. That means I need to just take in fluids for a few days. Oh joy. But hey it is recovery week, so I can look forward to that right? Hmm, what is Monday's workout? Recovery could make me a happy girl. What could it be? Huh? Huh?

Oh wait. Yoga. And we all know how much I *love* Yoga.

P90X Day 19: Legs and Back

2009-03-21T08:08:00.002-04:00

Ahhh the last day of weight training before my "recovery" week. We got a new heavy duty 20 lb band for the pull ups and dang does that make a difference. My back is definitely feeling it today. My son got a kick out of doing the sneaky lunges with me, as well as the triple lunge with a kick things. Yeah, I know I am super technical when it comes to describing the exercises.

Last night we had a few friends over. It was a good time playing rock band and having some delicious buffalo chicken dip and loaded baked potato dip. I am regretting sending ALL the leftovers home with my friend but I know it is better I don't eat anymore of that stuff. Doesn't stop me from wanting it though.

P90X Day 18: Yoga X

2009-03-20T06:07:00.002-04:00

My mother told me if I didn't have anything nice to say I shouldn't say anything at all.

So I don't have much to say about Yoga X. I am trying, I really am. But it is just. so. boring. And long. 1.5 hours is too much. And next week is recovery week, which means I have 2 DAYS of this workout. I kind of want to cry thinking about it.

PMS has arrived with a vengeance. I have reached depths of bitchiness that I never knew were possible. I yelled at old ladies driving too slow. Gave dirty looks to the cashier at the u-scan who obviously had no idea what she was doing. I broke a nail throwing a cheeseburger across the table. I yelled and screamed and carried on like a 2 year old. Eventually I made my kid cry and then felt incredibly guilty about it. I am really starting to think I might have PMDD. I am seriously going from zero to bitch in 2.3 seconds. Mood swing like crazy. And just completely lose control of my anger. It seriously scares me sometimes.

P90X day 17: Arms and Shoulders

2009-03-19T05:27:00.002-04:00

I am not really sure why this is my favorite workout but it really is. I think it might be because when I am holding weights in my hands, the veins in my hands pop out. That might not seem significant to some, but when you have lot a large amount of weight you start to notice things on your body that you could not see before. Things like collar bones come out of nowhere and veins start popping out of your hands. So I equate seeing my veins to not being as fat as I was. Plus I can really do this workout well. The tricep stuff not so much as the others, but nonetheless, I am getting a good workout. The only other significant thing to mention beyond the vein issue is that I only did half of the first set of the lying down tricep raise thingies because the dog (I am dog sitting for my parents) got all excited when I got on the floor and started licking my face and rolled over on top of me. This is a big fat 90 lb. yellow lab, not some little terrier. So I was laughing too hard and did not want to hurt the pup. But I got it all in and I was happy about it. The tricep chair raises are a little easier. I still have my knees bent but I can do more than 3 now. I can feel some guns under there but short of having a bracioplasty (surgical bat wing removal), I don't know if anyone else is ever going to see them.

Food has been an issue this week. I think because I did not lose any weight last week I am rebelling. My choices could be better, but then again they could be worse. The problem is that i need to get more cardio in, but I just can't seem to find the time for it. It is hard enough to squeeze these workouts in sometimes. And I know that the biking season is just around the corner. Long Sunday rides are going to help. I am looking to do at least one 60+miler per month. Preferably a century per month. I also need to get my mountain bike fixed so I can take the kids out. It is too much of a pain to deal with the road bike, and the shoes and such when the kids want to go to the park. Anyhow back to the cardio. Since next week is my recovery week I am thinking this: I might start to wake up at 3:30am instead of 4am. Get used to that for a week. Then I will request my boss let me start work at 5:30 instead 5. That should not be too much of a problem. Then 3 days a week I can do the CardioX in the am, shower and make it to work by 5:30. That would push my afternoon workout back 30 minutes, but as long as I start right when I get home from work I will still have time to get the kids from school. I just have to make sure I am in bed by 8:30, which is generally not a problem. It will only be for 60 days of doubles, that's not too bad, right? Any thoughts?

P90X Day 16: Plyo

2009-03-17T20:16:00.002-04:00

Well I was afraid today might never happen. I had a very long day. It was beautiful outside and I really wanted to get a nice long bike ride in. My brother and his wife just had a baby yesterday and I wanted to get to the hospital. I had some lovely plyo to do. I tried to get out of work at 9am and finally managed to leave at 11. I got home, packed my bike on the car and took off. On my way to the metropark I realized that I had better go see my new niece first since they were all going to be leaving the hospital and the hospital is about 30 minutes closer to me than their house. So I went to the hospital. Planned on staying 30 minutes but finally left 2 hours later. My niece is just absolutely precious and beautiful. And so teeny tiny. But with the fattest little cheeks. I just want to eat her up. Anyhow I never made it to the bike trail. I picked the kids up, stopped at Subway and took them to the metropark to fly kites and eat. I drooled over all the bikers. Then we came home.

So the last thing I felt like doing was Plyo. But I turned on the video and had my 8 year old daughter do it with me. I was not too bad. We had fun and I was super sweaty. And we shared a protein shake afterward. So it is done, finished. And I don't have to look at it for another 2 weeks.

That makes me smile.

P90X Day 15

2009-03-17T04:21:00.000-04:00

Blech.

P90X Day 13-14: AKA my lazy weekend.

2009-03-16T07:25:00.002-04:00

So Kenpo never happened. I would like to give some great excuse for not doing it but really I am sure i could have fit it in my schedule. Don't get me wrong, I was busy. But if I had wanted it enough I could found a way to put it in. But instead I cleaned my house and took advantage of the nice weather. I got a lot of yard work finished. And it did need to be finished.

But today I am back on the program. Last week before recovery. I can hardly believe it.

P90X Day 12: Legs and Back/ARX

2009-03-13T16:14:00.003-04:00

Started this workout again feeling kinda crummy. I am just so tired all the time. Well at least when it is inconvenient. I am tired all day and then when I get in my bed I can't seem to fall asleep. What gives? Maybe this will get better next week? Or I will be able to sleep in tomorrow? Who knows? Anyhow back to the workout. I was a bit sluggish going in. I changed it up a bit and did the Ab Ripper X first. I know I should do it last but I knew if I didn't I would never get it out of the way. But I did it and actually managed to do 20 Mason twists with my feet in the air. Usually I just do them with my feet down or up on the couch. Either way I can't get my hands all the way to the ground but I am impressed I did the 20. Legs and Back- Wall squats were killer but I made it the whole time and I managed the one legged ones as well. My leg was not very high off the floor and I was shaking like crazy but I still managed to hold it the entire time. I only got better as the workout progressed. I feel great now, can't complain.

So begins my weekend. I am not good at weekends food wise, but I am going to do my darnedest to stay healthy. One thing I have done well the last 2 weeks is avoid the sweets. I have had some sugar but not a lot. No candy bars, or hostess treats. That's major for me. I wish I could just have one but apparently my brain was not wired that way.

Yeah that's all I have today.

P90X Day 11: Yoga X

2009-03-12T19:10:00.003-04:00

First let me begin with a big huge I effing hate yoga. It is the most absurd boring thing in the world for me. I *get* that people like it. I really do. But I just can not stand trying to contort my body in ways it does not want to go and finding my chi. Heck, I don't even know if I actually possess one of those chi things TH is talking about. Namaste my big fat badonkadonk. 95% of the time one fat roll or another gets in the way of me doing some sort of prayer pose that is supposed to center me. Or something. But I did it any how. I guess I need to pray a little bit more that I might start to enjoy it.

Okay I am not trying to make this a giant complaint but hey I guess I am just tired and cranky and that is where it is leading. I have been exhausted lately. I have gotten lots of sleep so I am wondering if maybe my body is working so hard at night to repair my muscles that I am just tired from it. At least I would like to think that. It makes me feel better about being tired.

So to end things on a good note, I am going to be an aunt sometime in the next week. My poor sister in law is just about finished with this whole pregnancy thing and I couldn't be more tickled pink about it. Now I do have a wonderful step niece from her but this is my first biological niece. The kids are excited about a baby cousin and I am excited about having a baby in the family. My little guy is almost 6 so it has been awhile.

Well I guess I better get back to the family. The Rockband is just not the same without the superstar diva singer that is Mom.

P90X Day 10: Shoulders and arms

2009-03-11T18:35:00.002-04:00

This might just be my favorite workout. It is certainly the easiest. And by easiest I mean it is the only one I can do the whole workout without modifications. It is still hard. But again I am in less pain than last week so it is great. I like this sore thing. Sore is doable. Pain is not. So yeah, I think I can do this.

The kids had a fundraiser today. Their teachers were working at McDonald's, so we had to go get some food. It was packed!!!! But I managed a whole hour there without eating anything. I am pretty proud of myself.

Short post today. I am already ready for bed.

P90X Day 9: Plyometrics aka Burn baby burn

2009-03-11T05:15:00.002-04:00

So yesterday was plyo day. It was also a hella busy day for me. The girl child had dance dress rehearsal at 5pm about 45 minutes away from home. She needed hair and makeup done and ready to go by 5pm. Which meant leaving the house by 4pm. Hubs was working so I also had to take the boy child with me. Plus I had to work and get in a workout. So I did what any normal sane person doing P90X would do. I came into work at 4am so I could get out an hour early and have time to work out, shower, and get the kids where they needed to be. Yeah, sanity is not my strong suit. But needless to say I got in my workout, which means no more plyo for a week. I have a love/hate relationship with the plyo. I hate it while I am doing it, but I love it when it is finished. I think I feel the same about all of the videos though. But at least they go by fast. At any rate I am not having any problems sitting or squatting today, and that was the major issue last week. I am sore but not in pain. And I am okay with that. I do think I worked harder this week than I did last week. Mostly because I was so sore last week. And probably partially because hubs was doing it with me and I did not want to look like a wuss. Poor guy is probably in some pain today. He has been trying to go along with me on this but Monday was his first day of the dreaded push up/pull up video since he missed it last week. Plus he did not do the yoga last week which I personally feel was key in my muscle healing. I don't care how boring it might be, it makes my body feel better.

And onto personal life. The girl had her stage rehearsal yesterday. They are all so little and cute out there on the stage. With makeup that rivals a Vegas showgirl. Competition is going to be a blast. One thing that disappoints me a bit is that the first comp is most likely going to be in Grand Rapids instead of close to home so we are going to have to trek it across the state for the weekend. Not that I hate traveling, I just hate paying for lodging. Blech. But if it comes down to it I will do Kenpo on my laptop in a hotel room. Oh, oh, oh and at rehearsal there was pizza. And I was hungry. I only ate one piece! Now that is a miracle. My food has been good for the last 2 days. I am starting to think I might be on track again. Woohoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P90X Day 8: Chest and Back Part Deuce

2009-03-09T15:00:00.004-04:00

I usually post my workouts the following day but since my father in law decided that the moment I am about to go shower was just the right time to scurry into the only bathroom and drop a deuce (get it, part deuce? yeah, cheesy) I can just blog instead. Besides I have to get into work hella early tomorrow and blogging just might not fit into my day. And I wouldn't want my readers (all 4 of you) to miss me too much. Yeah, I am big headed today.

So the workout was easier than last week. Easy is probably not the right word though. Let me rephrase. I could do a little bit more this week than last week. Improvement. Pain wise,I won't know until tomorrow. But I don't feel like someone crapped on me. Okay this is getting far too feces related now. Poop.

This morning I managed to spill a half mug of protein shake all over my legs. Of course this happened as I was getting out of the car for work. Do you have any idea how cold it is to walk across the street in 23 degree weather with 30mph winds whipping at your cold wet scrubs? It was not the high point of my day. In fact, I am getting cold thinking about it. But my other early bird coworkers found it amusing. And it was. Once I was in new dry scrubs sitting next to my space heater. One thing I miss about my extra 60 pounds was the warmth it gave me. I was never one to wear a coat or ever be cold. I liked winter because it helped me to not sweat. Now I am freezing constantly. And once I lose this last 60 pounds I can only imagine I will need some electric underwear for the winter as well as the summer.

Eating was good so far today. Other than the half of the protein shake that didn't end up on my pants I had some cottage cheese and peaches (I am not a fan but I am trying here), leftover pork tenderloin, asparagus, and a slice of homemade bread. Oh and the other protein shake that I am drinking right now. I have not figured out dinner yet but I am thinking eggs. I really want an egg over easy.

Onto other exciting news: I lost 2 pounds this past week!!!! Even with my not so hot weekend eating I dropped some weight. That makes me feel good. I am officially down 1 pound for the year at a whopping 215. I finally feel like I am back on track and I can do this.

P90X Day 7- REST DAY!!!!!!!!!

2009-03-09T04:08:00.004-04:00

Oh how I enjoyed my day of rest. It was rainy and cold outside but nice and toasty warm inside. Oh wait, not with our broken furnace, my bad. I did get the house cleaned, groceries shopped, and some fabulous pork loin cooked up for dinner. Unfortunately dinner was at about 7pm because A. I can't seem to properly read directions and did not have the oven hot enough, and B. the time changed kicked my butt. It was only 4:30pm when I started dinner in the kitchen, while it was 5:30pm everywhere else in the house. Yeah that clock now has the proper time on it. Again- my bad. So it was nice to just kinda chill-ax around the house most of the day. I wanted more sleep but my body was just not having it. My body wanted to move and groove and get the housework done. I am certainly not lacking any energy, that's for sure.

Tonight begins week 2 and the dreaded Chest and Back workout (also known and push up and pull up until you scream out to Jesus to just take you already). Luckily Crystal over at P90X: A Chick's Perspective has said that week 2 is easier. Hard but less excruciating. I hope to find the same thing.

P90X Day 6

2009-03-08T07:54:00.002-04:00

Day six means one thing: KENPO!!!!!! And it was easy enough that I could do the whole thing and still get a good workout. I was dripping with sweat once I was finished. It was probably the sweatiest I was all week. Even more so than Plyo day. But I had to modify a lot of the Plyo exercises due to my lack of strength and 217 pounds of hot messness. The Kenpo I could do straight out. And I really believe that my extensive Tae Bo experience (read 3 weeks) about 10 years ago was mighty helpful. Hubs did it with me and he was all over the place. Kept smacking my hand with his knuckles and nearly falling over. He looked like me doing Plyo except he was not about to roll an ankle. I have a few things to work on like the blocking sequences but all in all I enjoyed the workout.

I am amazed that I have made it through the first week. As sore as I was on Monday, I never thought I could do the workout again. Today is day 7 which means rest day or Stretch X. Hubs took the laptop to work with him and thus removed my workout from the house. I may or may not do it later. I have a bit of housework to do and some sleep to catch up on. And maybe a little grocery shopping.

P90X Day 5

2009-03-07T05:54:00.002-05:00

What can I say about Legs and Back? Or it is Back and Legs? At any rate this was one of the harder workouts for me. Lots of lunges, lots of squats. I could hear my knee creaking, which doesn't necessarily hurt but it kind of turns my stomach a little bit. All around my body does feel better. I am getting to the point where I am more sore and less in constant horrid pain. Sore I can deal with. Sore=Stronger, right? I also did the Ab Ripper X again. Sheer torture, but I did much better than last time. I was hurting but I fought through it. I have 2 whole days off from it and that's a good thing. Today's workout will be Kenpo. Hubs asked me if we get to do it with sticks. He's crazy.

It is 6am on Saturday. The sad thing is that I have already slept in about 2.5 hours later than I do during the week. And I can't seem to fall back asleep. I think I need to work on that.

A little freaked

2009-03-06T21:31:00.002-05:00

I always start to get like this after a good week of working out and eating. Friday night freak out. I am sitting here craving all of these things that I know I don't need. I start to tell myself it will not matter. You see, I won't lose any weight come Monday. I never do. At least that is what I will sit around telling myself. I am to the point where I am so used to failure that anything else is just not an option. I don't allow it to be an option. Who doesn't allow success to be an option? More importantly why don't I allow it to be an option? Because I am scared. Scared of failure. How ridiculous is that? I force myself to fail because that way it is my choice, my option. I am trying to protect myself from failing on my own. Because I don't know if I can handle that. The pitiful part of that is that by protecting myself from failure I am denying myself achievement. Denying myself something I have wanted for so long. I am scared out of my mind. Freaked out about the road to where I want to be. Freaked out about what it will be like when I get there. Freaked out about whether I am going to let go and try to allow myself to get there. I need to learn to control the fear.

Or just be happy that this post kept me out of the chocolate chips.

P90X Day 4

2009-03-06T05:15:00.002-05:00

It is going to be 65 degrees today. Considering two days ago it was about -3 I am beyond happy. I don't even care that it is going to rain this weekend and be colder again next week. Today I get to drive home with the windows down, blaring REO Speedwagon. Yeah, it's strange, but it is my yearly welcome to spring routine. The first warm day I serenade those around me with a little REO. It might not be pretty, but who cares?

So day 4 was Yoga X. Hubs was supposed to do it with me but completely lost his composure after the first downward facing dog. Bending over like that is not, I repeat, not an open invitation. So he was forced to leave the room. And leave me with 1.5 hours of yoga. Yeah, this was the long video. I was not expecting anything less than extremely difficult and the Yoga X delivered. The first 45 minutes or so are all these strength moves. Lots of plank, to downward dog, to runners pose, jumping around, make me stronger, push it to the limit craziness. It got to the point where if i had to do another vinyasa I was going to cry. Then the last 45 minutes were balance poses. Now that I can do. Give me tree pose all day long. This is what all the Wii Fit prepared me for. Anyhow, it was good. My muscles felt the best they had all week immediately afterward. I think they are better today as well but let's decide that after today's workout- legs. I am dreading it a bit. I know there is a lunge or 23049 in my future today. And probably 84895.987 squats. Bring it. I worked out 4 days this week. That might be a 2009 record. Oh yeah, I feel good.

P90X day 3

2009-03-05T05:14:00.002-05:00

Day 3 was Shoulders and Arms. Awesome workout. Despite the soreness in my chest, back, abs and legs I made it through the workout pretty easily. Well, easily compared to the other workouts. It was still tough. My triceps are burning today. But that I can deal with. It is the pain I am feeling in my legs every time I try to sit on the toilet that is getting me. But today is Yoga, and though I have no false hope that it will be easy, I know that it will help stretch these tender muscles. That is something I need right now. Did I mention that my painkillers were taken away from me? Yeah, no Motrin allowed for this girl. I *knew* that but until I was giving the BIG lecture about it I was just trying to not worry about it. For those not banded people Motrin can cause some major issues in my little stomach pouch. If it sits above the band it can burn an ulcer right into my little pouch. There are no stomach acids to help protect the lining in my pouch as there are in the bottom of my stomach....so yeah. No Motrin for me. And Tylenol does basically nothing for the pain. I guess I just have to learn to deal.

Food was fine yesterday up until about 9pm. Last night was support group and we always go out for guacamole at On the Border afterward. I knew this and planned for it but darn it if waiter Jeff was not serving in the bar area. And it was happy hour. And the large margarita was only $1 more. And I drank the whole thing. And Jody was sick so I ate more guac than usual. Oh well. At least Jeff comped most of our bill as he generally does and I only had to pay the $4.75 for the drink. I was still so full this morning that I did not have my usual morning shake. That's okay though, just get back on the wagon today.

P90X Day 2

2009-03-04T05:13:00.002-05:00

Plyometrics. Going into this it is probably better that I did not know this was the toughest workout. The one that puts the X in P90X. Honestly though, other than the near broken ankle I liked this workout a million times better than day 1. Probably because what I lack in upper body strength, I have in my lower body. Don't get me wrong, it still whipped my rear, but my body feels better today than it did yesterday. I am a little sore. My gluts hurt when I flex them (that's the butt muscles for the anatomy challenged) and my inner thighs are a bit sore. Really most of my pain is still in my chest and abs. The Motrin bottle is still a challenge to open. But slowly I will get there. My husband is in a world of pain right now and he only did the first set of exercises before he had to go to work. So at least I feel better than he does.

Okay back to the workout. The best way to describe Plyometrics is an hour of various jumping exercises. There were 4 sets of 4 exercises that were repeated twice. The first 3 exercises in each set were 30 seconds long and the last one was 60 seconds. My biggest problem was that with my heavy body weight it is hard for me to do the higher jumps. I did them the best I could but at 217 it is no easy feat. I imagine it would still be difficult at 155 but in a different way. Also because I can't jump as high during one of the exercises I managed to roll my ankle sideways and fall over. I was grateful it just rolled and did not break. But that fall was the only time I had to pause the tape. I did all the exercises, even though some had to be modified. I kept moving and felt great about myself afterward. Beforehand I really did not think the video was going to be that difficult, but it was. I was breathing heavy and sweating profusely. All in all, awesome workout.

The next workout is arms and shoulders. I am not sure how well this is going to work for me since lifting my elbows above my shoulders still gives me quite a bit of pain. And Ab Ripper X is also supposed to be done today. I am going to try and do it, but my abs hurt so badly right now that I am not sure if it is going to cause any damage. Probably, but most of that will be ego.

Food was great again yesterday. Since I have not gotten too specific about my plan here it is. I am not counting calories. I do have specific protein goals set by my surgeon that I am trying to follow. But I can't eat a "normal" healthy diet. It is just too much food for me. So the plan is a protein shake in the am (Matrix 5.0 chocolate, skim milk, half a banana, PB2 powder) which is about 300 calories. Breakfast is maybe 1/2 cup of Fiber 1 cereal with skim milk (I never finish all of this because of my band. I usually drink the whole cup of milk and maybe half the cereal) and green tea. Lunch is whatever is left over from dinner last night. Today it is spaghetti. I have another protein shake after working out- around 3pm. Then dinner around 5:30ish. So that has me eating every few hours to get my metabolism roaring. My protein intake is usually up over 80 grams which is satisfactory for my MD.

And yeah, that is about it. I will be back tomorrow to post on the hell that is going to be my day 3.

P90X Day 1

2009-03-03T05:02:00.002-05:00

So I debated on whether or not to blog this because blogging it makes me more accountable for things. Or at least it should. And I am not sure I want to be held accountable for this one. At any rate, due to the keen skills of my hubby I now own P90X. If you have seen the infomercial then you know that it is portrayed as this hard hitting, heavy duty, butt kicking, workout video video series. If you own it or have attempted it, you are fully aware that the man who created it is obviously a sadist. Today was my first experience actually trying it. After collecting assorted dumbbells, water bottle, stretchy bands, motrin, and locking myself in my sons room (because there was no way I could possibly risk someone else witnessing my fitness), I did the first workout. Needless to say I never realized that there are so many different ways to do a push up, and that crazy people put them all in the same workout. Twice. Yes, the whole scenario was repeated. Basically, the entire "Chest and Back" video was a alternating different types of push ups and pull ups. And no I can't do a pull up. But there is the option to do them using exercise bands. How fun. Oh did I mention day 1 also includes an ab workout? So after 60 minutes of sheer upper body torture, I figured 16 minutes of ab work wouldn't be too rough. Because apparently "Ab Ripper X" was not the appropriate title. A more accurate depiction would be "Ab cry like a baby, vomit and possibly poop your pants X". Yeah I think the 60 minutes were not as bad as the 16. Finally I am lying in the floor near death and finished with day one. Luckily my legs were still okay because they are the only things that got me up off that floor. Ever get up without using your upper body? I promise it is not as easy as it sounds. All I could think about was taking some Motrin. I didn't even care that I had to have my 8 year old daughter open the child proof bottle for me. I slowly made myself a nice protein shake and sat on the couch for an hour. Finally I get enough energy to get myself into the shower. And have my 8 year old wash my hair. Really, I am fine now as long as I don't lift my elbows above my shoulders. And just to put a positive spin on things, woo hoo, I can't wait for day 2- Pylometrics. I don't even care how hard it is, I am just glad it is lower body.

Yeah, so that was my P90X experience. Bring on day 2 baby. Obviously I got my exercise in yesterday. Food was excellent. No candy or sugar, which was major. Followed all my meal plans. Shake in the morning, tea and oatmeal around 8am, BBQ chicken pizza leftovers for lunch, post workout shake, sloppy joes for dinner. I don't even care that I spent an hour eating, just to have an extra sloppy joe. I deserved it.

The hardest time of day

2009-03-02T10:01:00.003-05:00

Right now is the hardest time of the day for me diet-wise. I know I am not hungry but I want to eat. Lunch is in one hour but it seems like that hour is the slowest one of all. This is the time I usually succumb to tempation. This is the time I like to go start on the fun size candy bars. Which might not be a big deal if I could limit it to 1. Heck, I have a hard time limiting it to 5. And by then I might as well of just eaten a full size candy bar because I have eaten the equivent of two full size bars. Anyhow it sucks. I don't like this time of day. I eat and ruin my lunch. I don't eat and I feel starved.

And really I just needed a place to complain.

Gotta get back into the swing of things

2009-02-27T09:01:00.003-05:00

I was running late this morning. So naturally 3 cars up there was someone doing 30 in a 45. And traffic was never clear enough to pass 3 cars. People were driving super slow on the freeway because of the rain. There are only 2 times it is okay to drive below 50 on the freeway, if it is snowing heavily or for some weather related reason you can't see. Neither was the case this morning. People like that should not be allowed to drive. But I still managed to make it in on time. And with Tim Horton's coffee. That makes it a good day.

I am finally feeling better. Nearly back to my old self. Crabby and tired. Gotta love it. So now there is no excuse to not be back in the gym. So we start Sunday. Because you can't start in the middle of the week. Or at the end of one. That is just impossible, right?

It continues...

2009-02-26T05:08:00.002-05:00

We got yet another check in the mail today. This one again for almost $1000. This means that we have officially now paid back all money owed to the kids school, Hubby's father, my bridesmaid dress is paid off, and we have the money for our trip to Florida. We are back in the black baby. I am so happy I could scream. I am so thankful for this windfall of cash. I mean, I know it is our from overpaying taxes but still. I will overpay my taxes every single year if it means getting big checks in that mail. And this summer after 4 long years of payments our Chapter 13 bankruptcy will be paid off. So many people never finish their Chapter 13 plan and we never thought we would see the light at the end of the tunnel. We have learned so much and even though we still make many mistakes we are in the best financial situation we have ever been in. I can't help but to just feel so blessed right now.

Yeah, I haven't been around much

2009-02-24T06:31:00.002-05:00

I feel like I am on my deathbed. I actually called in to work yesterday. That marks the first time I have called in due to my own illness in...umm, well I don't even remember. I am that girl who is willing to infect the entire office because I would rather spend my CTO on vacation instead of on being sick. I am not helping myself build up a good bank here and I am almost to the point of not caring. I. Feel. Like. Crap. I start to feel better and see that little light at the end of the tunnel, but really I am just hallucinating. Really I would prefer to see fun things like swirling dragons on a black and white composition pad I saw the one and only time I dropped acid. Yeah back in my days when I didn't know that acid was the street name for LSD. My parents could have saved me a whole world of trouble by not sheltering me and just educating. Dropping acid wasn't scary. Ingesting LSD scared the crap out of me. So now you know my sordid history of drug use. The complete history would include Ecstasy once and maybe hitting the weed a total of 5 times. Yeah, I know, really bad ass. Honestly though my limited drug use caused me to lose a boy friend and a best friend. The last time I smoked weed I was unknowingly pregnant and promised God if she turned out normal I would never touch the stuff again. He kept his end of the bargain so I kept mine. I am not sure how being sick just turned into my drug history but whatever.

So yeah, sinus infection majoramous. The whole left side of my face hurts, from forehead to upper jaw. It hurts to chew. And I like chewing. I like eating. Eating is not even enjoyable. I have a giant laundry basket full of snotty tissues. I think I have used more tissues in the last 2 days than I have in the other 10,520+ days of my life combined. But let's try and see the bright side. At least the infection doesn't smell like rotting flesh.

Or maybe I am too sick to notice.

Amazed

2009-02-19T18:53:00.002-05:00

This was not going to be a happy posting. In fact it was going to be downright depressing. I have spent the better half of the day crying and upset.

I have been waiting not so patiently for my tax refund to be deposited to my account. According to the IRS it was deposited last Friday. The IRS website also said to check back after the 18th if it had not gone through. Well imagine my surprise when I checked today and found out that my entire $2500 was gone. Well not gone, but taken to pay on my student loans. Student loans that I have been paying 15% of my salary to. Which would be fine if we did not have a huge trip to Florida for DD's competitive dance team that was going to be financed with that check. So now we are broke. Again. And I am crying because I have no idea how much more I can cut corners. We don't have any bacon left to trim in our budget. We are already falling short. So now I am freaking out. Sad. Upset. Angry. Embarrassed. Trying to figure out how I was going to make the phone calls. Calling my cousin to say I can't afford to be in her wedding. Calling my buddy to tell her I can't get Muddy. Trying to figure out how to get the kids to school in the morning because I can't afford the extension payment. How to explain to the kids that we just can't have cable for awhile. All these things I can live with but I hate the shame that comes with it. I realize there is nothing else I can do. I shake it off, look up and just ask God to help me make it happen.

On the drive home I get really honest with my daughter. I tell her everything that is going on. I tell her this no to worry her, but to show her what it is like to struggle. I want her to see us struggle for the things we have so she doesn't make the same mistakes I did. I want her to strive to not struggle. But I digress. We have the conversation. We talk about how we can save money and what we can live without. I also tell her to not worry because God always provides. Sometimes I spend too much time focusing on me and my discomfort and not enough on how God will provide. So we decide to not worry. Ask God to help us out when he sees fit.

We get home, grab the mail, and go in the house. I sift through the mail and pull out a rather fat envelope from the county treasury. Huh? What is this? I open it up and there are two checks inside. One for $950 and another for $1008. Retro pay from 2006 and 2007 overpayment on property taxes. I fell to the floor in tears. I don't care what anyone says. It is not coincidence. Nor is this the first time that a huge check like that has come in the mail unexpectedly right when I needed it. God is amazing.

For the Love of God

2009-02-19T06:41:00.002-05:00

Please, please, please take this head cold away. I am definitely getting better, my throat doesn't hurt, my cough is a bit more productive, I sound less like a frog, my hunger is returning. But I can not stand up without getting dizzy. I guess if anyone wants to call me a snot today, it would be a fairly accurate description. But hey at least this cold has kept me from really eating too much this week. Doesn't matter though, I still don't want to step on the scale. It used to be fun when I was losing weight and now it is just not so joyous. Dreadful is a good word. Even if I have had a good eating and working out week I dread the scale.

I have decided I am going to do the half marathon at the end of May. For sure going to do it. I have found a training partner at work and she is going to train for it as well. Well, I guess it is more of an accountability partner actually. We are not training together at the same location but we are doing the same training plan and race. I know I could have worded that much more eloquently minus the snot in my head. Bah, I don't care right now.

I feel like...

2009-02-18T17:55:00.002-05:00

a turd covered in burnt fur. Really though I am fighting this head cold of the century. It not only makes me hurt but it makes my most enjoyable activity of eating all together not fun and certainly not enjoyable. I can't really smell the food, so I can't really taste the food, yet I keep trying to eat it in hopes that I will feel better. Oh how I wish my vice were booze and not chews.

Broken

2009-02-17T06:29:00.002-05:00

I am sick. I hate being sick. And I hate that I still come to work when I am sick because no one else will step up and do my job. I can't stop coughing, my throat is raw from it. My ears are ringing and my nose is running. This. just. sucks. And to top it all off I was going to leave after I placed my order but now Peoplesoft is down and I can't do my order until it is back up. ARGH.

Angry and Hurt

2009-02-12T19:32:00.003-05:00

Generally I blog about my health and fitness and lackthereof. Yeah, this is a bit different. But I need to get it out somewhere.

Maybe I need to be more humble. Maybe I need a reality check. Maybe others don't see any kind of greatness in me. Maybe others don't think much of me at all. Maybe I am a more horrible person than I think. Maybe it is not everyone else. Maybe it is just me. Maybe I need to step back and take a better look at myself. Maybe I try too hard. Maybe I don't try hard enough. Maybe I am just too tired. Maybe I just can't make it. Maybe hardly anyone likes me. Maybe everyone actually hates me. Maybe I don't do a very good job. Maybe I am just too emotional. Maybe I am delusional. Maybe I don't believe in myself. Maybe I believe in myself too much. Maybe I should pray more. Maybe I don't pray enough. Maybe I should stop letting others in. Maybe I should stop kicking people out. Maybe I am stupid. Maybe I am smarter than I give myself credit for.

Or maybe, just maybe, I need to focus on myself and stop letting the thoughts and actions of others determine who I am and who I could be.

Yes J, I will be writing in February...

2009-02-10T05:48:00.002-05:00

So I am back after my hiatus. The Superbowl was last week and it really effed up my week in it's entirety. No working out, not eating well, not sleeping well, no blogging. But, yeah, I am back. Don't hurt yourself jumping for joy.

I am back on this week. Sorta. As much as I want to jump gung ho into being the best eater and the best athlete and the best at everything, I just can't do it. At least not all at once. So this week I focus on getting the exercise back. I rode the bike indoors yesterday for about 35 minutes or so and got nice and sweaty. Today I will be doing some running. Outside. Yes, I said it. Outside baby. Oh yeah. Granted this is probably the only opportunity I will have in the next month or so to take it to the pavement, so I am pretty excited about it. And after that depending on the weather (rain, rain, rain) I might take the kids for a bike ride as well. I know they are itching to play outside with this sub zero weather we have been having. But that is it- working out daily this week. If I can get this back on I can worry less about the food.

Speaking of food I do have some small goals for the week. Nothing drastic. Firstly, no cafeteria food. It's not that tasty and who know what is in it. Secondly, no more flavored milk. Really I don't need any fake strawberry or fatty chocolate whole milk. No matter how delicious it might be. And finally, I am cooking dinner every night this week. Well, with the exception of my anniversary Saturday. And by cooking I mean food not in a box. Challenging, yes. For me at least.

So there is your post J. I will be back tomorrow to let you know how the Hawaiian chicken turns out.

Angry

2009-01-28T19:25:00.003-05:00

Walgreens is not at the top of my happy list right now. But it is number one on my poop list.

This afternoon the girl child and I spent some time taking pictures for her science fair project. Since the CVS website hates me and I was too lazy to walk all the way into Walmart I sent them over to Walgreens to be processed. Well the first strike was when the store closest to me was not available for online orders, so I had to drive about 10 more minutes instead of the original 2 I had planned on. Then I have to drive through the aftermath of a lovely snowstorm. Strike 2 because I dislike snow. So I get there 15 minutes after my pics are due to be ready and naturally they have yet to receive my order because their downloads have been slow. But the manager will take my info and give me a call when he finds out what is going on. Ummm hello? It is crappy out and why would I want to go out in it again? Strike 3. Really just don't go to Walgreens for pictures. Good rebates, coupon deals, sure. Pictures, not so much.

The moral here? Don't change it up if it's already working. Even if it is for laziness sake. My photos are back at Walmart.

It's a new day

2009-01-27T03:53:00.004-05:00

Really it is 3:50am and I am not tired. For the first time in a long time I got up with my alarm. No snooze button for 20 minutes, no complaining. Just got up and got myself ready. I definitely feel good about that. Not just that, I feel good all over. And the comment you left me Deb felt really nice. Thanks. You inspire me as well with how you have picked up and returned to school and with all of the beautiful art you create. We need to trade tips =)

So today my dilemma is lunch. My mother has graciously offered to take me out to Miller's for a burger. Those of you in the Detroit area know Miller's. Or live under a rock. At any rate Miller's serves up the most fabulous delicious burgers in the world. Which is probably equivalent to my entire days worth of calories. It is just that good. And given enough time and removal of the top bun (bread is hard for me to eat) I can eat the whole burger. So do I say yay or nay?

Who am I kidding? It is free lunch and Miller's. Of course I am having the burger. We are going for normalcy here and normal people eat burgers.

Oh and today I have some running to do. My official training still does not start until Feb but I think I have mentioned that 14 times now. But the bonus is that the running is getting easier. I wonder how much easier it will be at 150 pounds?

Another new week

2009-01-25T08:29:00.002-05:00

It's been a few days since I have been here. Diet and exercise wise, it has not been a good week. I have not felt well and it has pretty much consumed me. And not because it was horrible, but because I let it. And I feel like I have been so busy this past week, yet I have gotten nothing done. At least nothing of value. I don't want to sit here all boohoo depressed about it, but it certainly is there. I need to get out of this rut, and to do that I need to get off my butt and do something. The way my day goes is directly related to how much I am willing to put into it. I have the power to get it all back on track. Well with a little help from above of course. Or a lot of help lol.

I seem to do much better when I check in here daily so that is the plan. Today I am going to get to the gym and do a little running. Nothing much, just a few miles. And later on this evening the kids have a roller skating party so I will have some fun doing that as well. Tuesday and Thursday will be running days for 30-45 minutes each day and I will add some walking to complete a whole hour of cardio. I also need to get back to my weight lifting but I am just not too sure on how to do that just yet. The gym is too crowded right now for that and I am too self conscious about it to do it at the gym alone. I am hoping I can somehow create a home plan with my 5 and 10 pound dumbbells and a resistance band. Maybe today I can plan that.

Food wise I need to work on portions this week. And cutting the sugar back out. Easy peasy to plan, not so easy peasy to execute. But I have to keep trying. I am not a quitter. Not this year anyhow. I have another few weeks to improve my running a bit until my official training for the May 31st half begins. I am feeling better about it. I know if I can keep it up I am going to be fine. And the feeling I get when I cross the finish line will make it all worth the while.

Getting really honest with myself.

2009-01-20T05:16:00.003-05:00

The more I think about it, the more it depresses me. I can not do the half marathon I was planning on. I just can't. I will be out of town and having to get my daughter ready for dance. Seeing her face light up when she is on stage will always be more important to me than some silly race. But I am still bothered by it. And furthermore, the only other half marathon turtle friendly race available in April-May is the last week of April, and of course she has another competition that weekend as well. So the countdown is off. At least for now. But I promised myself I was going to do this. PROMISED. So that leaves me with no other option that this:

http://www.dexterannarborrun.com/halfmarathon.htm

Now the problem here is that this is a timed thing (okay well they all are). I mean I have to finish in 2:40. Or I get kicked out of the race. That is embarrassing. So I have to maintain 5mph through the whole thing. That is a HUGE thing for me. Especially for 13.1 miles. But it is my only option. And yes, I know the website is for the 2008 run. This years run is on May 31. That is 130 days away. A little over 4 months. I have to do it.

Plus in September I will be wearing this: http://www.davidsbridal.com/bridesmaids_detail.jsp?stid=4072&prodgroup=110
or this: http://www.davidsbridal.com/bridesmaids_detail.jsp?stid=2795&prodgroup=110

Yeah I need to get this weight off and fast.

79 more days

2009-01-16T05:54:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was a bad day for me all around. I did not make it to the gym. I ate a bunch of crap. I am suffering for it now too. I just don't feel very well. I have not been getting to bed early and my house is a wreck. I have DD's birthday sleepover tonight. My house is a wreck. And apparently the kids do not have school today. Nice. At least now I have a reason to get out of here early.

81 more days

2009-01-14T20:01:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow is running again. Today I did my biking. I am exhausted and so ready to go to bed.

Baby it's cold outside

2009-01-14T05:30:00.003-05:00

Right around -2F. I am so not a big fan of the cold weather, that's for sure. But at least after 15 minutes of warming up my car was nice and toasty. And I am wearing fluffy sweatpants. I wish I could just wear them all day. If I did not have to work, I just might.

My friend's daughter came to stay the night last night around 10pm. Her son was admitted to the hospital for a possible appendectomy and she needed a place for the girl to go. It was late for me. Then DD woke up and they had a giggle fest for a good hour. Both of them are going to be tired at school today. Very tired. And I am going to be tired at work.

82 more days

2009-01-13T14:56:00.003-05:00

So I am sitting here contemplating the next few days. Not because of working out, not because of the frigid weather that is going to arrive, but because of my daughters birthday. Yes, my little baby girl is going to be 8 years old. It brings back a lot of crazy memories, but that is not the point I am trying to make. What I am trying to say is how am I going to deal with all this cake? That is so not what a normal thin person thinks about but it is high on my mind. I have to make 60 cupcakes for school. There are 60 kids in her class. Yes, you read that right. It is not as bad as it seams, as there are 2 teachers and 2 assistants, and the classrooms are split with a dividing wall. But the point remains that I can't just make food for half the classroom. And I can't not make cupcakes. She is really excited to help me make them. So I have to get through tonight without eating any batter. Then tomorrow is her actual birthday. Since Daddy is working we are going to celebrate on Thursday. So tomorrow I have to make her family cake. Then Friday, you guessed it, I was suckered into letting her have a sleepover. She must have caught me at a weak moment. So there is cake baking day number 3. I can't eat that much cake. I mean, I can, but not without costs. I just don't know why I put this temptation in front of me. I think it is in some drastic hope to maybe just be normal. A normal Mom can just make cookies and cupcakes and cakes and muffins without eating over half of them. A normal Mom can make a cake without having to compensate for the full cup of batter she drank. I just want to be that person darn it. I don't want to constantly battle with sweets and eating. I want to be normal. Sometimes I think I would rather be an alcoholic than be obese. Actually maybe and extra glass of wine might help me get through all the baking without tasting. I may have just solved my own problem.

Back to the important stuff. I did get to the gym this afternoon so I am rocking on my workouts. I am not quite to the rockstar status I would like to be, but I am slowly on my way. Today was a running day and I spent 35 minute son the treadmill. I alternated running and walking every 1.5 minutes. All of my walking I did at 3.5mph and the running I started at 5mph, then the next interval was 5.1, then 5.2, etc until my last running interval of 6mph. I know it is no faster than a tortoise pace but one day I will be that rabbit. I will run a sub 10 minute mile by July12th. Tomorrow is cross training and I have not yet decided what I will be doing. Probably come home and hit the bike. That seems to make the most sense right now. Plus it is going to be cold and yucky outside, so the less I am out the better.

Food wise today was fine. Yogurt and Fiber one bar in the morning. Leftover chicken and broccoli rice for lunch, and a protein shake after my workout. Dinner might be spaghetti. Or cake batter.

83 more days

2009-01-12T14:49:00.002-05:00

It is 3 in the afternoon and I am sitting here in my pajamas. I have worked a full day and aside from those pesky dishes from last night my house is pretty much clean. I already have caught up on a few things in the DVR. And I sit her and type this smug as can be because I also got in my workout for the day. I have eaten healthy all day thus far and even though there is a bunch of crap sitting in the kitchen to be chowed down upon (thanks Mom) I don't even want it. I am full as can be from my delicious protein shake. And I got a good hard bike ride in. Oh and did I mention that I lost 4 pounds last week? Yeah, me. 4 pounds. Amazing. I feel kind of good right now. Really good actually.

The dishes are not done...

2009-01-11T21:22:00.002-05:00

my clothes are not laid out for tomorrow, lunches are not packed, it's almost 9:30 and I am not sleeping, but by golly I did the six miles. They were not pretty or pain free, heck they were even downright ugly and slow. But I DID IT!!!!!!! My protein shake never tasted so good.

Tomorrow I weigh in and I am freaked out. I know I have been good this week. I may have eaten a few things that I should not have, but no where near the quantities I have been having lately. I have ran 3 times this week and worked out more than that. But I am still scared. Scared because as much as I don't want it to, the scale still rules my world. I know it is not healthy (hence the reason I don't have one in my home) but I can't help it. I am afraid it is going to be that way for the rest of my life. I would hope that getting to goal would keep me from obsessing over it. But I have never gotten there so I have no clue. If my weigh in goes sour tomorrow it could potentially mess up my entire day. Or week even. I have to stay positive. Hopefully.

84 more days

2009-01-11T08:50:00.002-05:00

Well my day has not started quite as I planned. The boy slept in and then wanted to give me cuddles for about an hour. Who am I to argue that? So early church is out. We are just starting to get ready right now. Well the boy is at least. My workout will happen a little later than planned but that is okay. I am still going to try to talk myself into being excited about and afternoon workout. Of course I am excited. I have a Muddy Buddy to get ready for. To win. To beat DH. Oh I am feeling it now. I just have to remind myself later of those things.

So I have managed to not eat any candy or chips all weekend. Considering we have been pretty much snowed in, that is kind of a big deal. It has not been easy, but necessary. I wish I had the willpower to just eat a small portion of chips or candy but I am just not there. I have one and before I know it the whole bag is gone. I don't want to play that game.

I should probably get off here now and get ready. I will try to update on my workout later (as if anyone truly cares) just so I have a record of how it went and how I feel. Toodles.

So many changes, so many things unchanged

2009-01-10T15:56:00.002-05:00

As usual my plans have been changed again. There is enough snow that church is out of the question tonight. 25 miles after 7 inches of snow is not my idea of a good time. Or a safe time at that. But now there is the dilemma of getting to the gym tomorrow. My plan was to go when they open at 9am. But now I have to get to church tomorrow and I have the boy with me. And of course there is no day care at the gym on Sundays. So I am thinking I might go to church for 9:15, take the kids to my parents house afterward, hit the gym up then and go home. It is risky, mostly because I do not follow through on exercise in the afternoons. But if I do that then DH can pick the kids up after he gets off work and I can nap after I run. Sometimes I think this is God's way of helping me to learn how to deal with things not going the way I planned. It seems to happen a lot lately and I think the extra practice is helping.

I just read through my entire blog from the beginning (not that big of a feat since there were like 40 posts total for 07 and 08). It is funny how much I used to swear. I used to swear that much irl as well. It is a huge thing for me to have pretty much tamed my potty mouth. I have still not gotten rid of all the potty mouthing but those who are closest to me notice. But so much of what I wrote was in such anger and disgust with myself. I don't want to be that girl anymore. I still struggle so much with my weight and food and that negative attitude has gotten me absolutely nowhere. Actually nowhere would be better than where I have gotten myself, as now I am 25 pounds farther behind than I was at this time last year. But at the same time I feel like I might have this whole new insight on myself that just might not be there had I not dealt with the last year.

My spirituality has grow immensely this year. Just like my body. But that is a good thing. I feel like I am in a really good place this year with all that. Heck, I am rearranging my schedule to go to church. That would not have happened at this time last year. I know only good things are going to come of it. It makes me feel good about myself and feel like I can accomplish anything. I like that feeling. It's nice.

So it is snowy, and I know I am not supposed to but I think I am going to go run the snow blower. I can't stand the driveway being all yuck.

85 more days

2009-01-10T09:10:00.003-05:00

I am still going to continue the countdown even though yesterday I was dealt the low blow of my daughter having a dance competition on the same weekend. I still have not quite decided what I am going to be doing. The competition is all weekend long and the race is Sunday morning. And the competition is about and hour from home. I am just not sure at this point what I am going to do. I guess I will wait and see and play it by ear. I am a little depressed but I am not going to let it cause me to quit just yet. Plus I still have a Muddy Buddy to prepare for.

So today is my official day off. I have 6 miles tomorrow that I have to be ready to run. I will probably go to my parents house and walk the dog, but I don't count that as real exercise. Nor do I count the the snow shovelling I am about to do. No, wait. I don't have any snow shovelling to do because I am not allowed. LOL. Guess DH will be getting out there and doing it. And he darn well should since I just served him up a lovely breakfast in bed. Is it a bad thing that I am trying really hard to fatten him up so he doesn't perform as well on the Muddy Buddy? Yeah, it probably is. But really it was his choice to eat the 3 eggs, 4 slices of toast, 5 pieces of bacon, and 3 pancakes. I just gave him all the left overs the kids did not want =) Personally I had 3/4 of a piece of toast, 3/4 of an egg, and 3/4 of a slice of bacon. It is a miracle I did not munch on the bacon while I cooked it. And another small miracle that I threw away the rest of my breakfast instead of forcing myself to eat it. I am really full and feeling pretty satisfied. That's a good way to start the day.

Speaking of which, I really should be starting my day cleaning the house and not blogging. Ideally I would like to have the place cleaned by noon. But I have no motivation to do so. The kids were up late and woke up early so I am already ready for a nap. Maybe the chance of having a nice little nap later on will get me moving.

Now since weekend are hardest for me food wise I am going to post my plan here to help remind myself that pigging out is not a good option.

B- one egg, one slice toast, 1 piece of bacon- done!

S1- Natural peanut butter on 1 slice of toast

L- Greek yogurt with blueberries

S2- Fiber 1 bar

D- grilled chicken and brown rice

I need to figure out how to add some veggies in there. Not just today but every day. It is so hard for me to eat a lot of food because of my band. Maybe I should get a juicer or something to get some veggies in. By the time I eat my protein I am so full that I can't even look at veggies. Ugh.

Well I guess it is off to some fun cleaning.

I began the day with the best of intentions...

2009-01-09T20:40:00.003-05:00

and then life just got to me. Don't get me wrong I have had a decent day, just not quite where I planned it to be right now. The gym? Didn't happen. I had to bring DH the keys to my parents house so he could let the dog out for potty time before he went to work. So then I got in the car to go to the bookstore and ended up pulling into the Meijer parking lot instead. Just not thinking I guess. So since I was also on the prowl for some Greek yogurt (recommended by my hand doc lol) I figured what the heck. Well no yogurt, duh. As if it could just be that convenient. The closest Trader Joe's or Whole Foods is like 30 miles from my house and that is just not going to cut it. Anyhow, I walked around trying to find something to buy and finally gave up. I left to try and find some other health food store that one of my coworkers was telling me about (the annoying biscuit she is) and ended up at Wal-Mart. Whatever store she was talking about does not exist where she thinks it does. Anyhow to make a long boring story short and to the point I found some Greek yogurt at Wal-mart. Who would have thunk it? So I bought some plain and vanilla (the only two flavors they had). Oh. My. Gosh. I was pleasantly surprised. It had the consistency of a thick sour cream. Kinda weird but not at all horrible like I thought it would be. And that was the plain stuff. I actually think it could be a very good substitute for sour cream. It tastes much better than the fat free sour cream and it has 120 calories and 17 grams of protein for a 5.8 ounce container. I dipped my potatoes and chicken from dinner into it. I am really excited to try the vanilla flavor tomorrow. Yeah, it's the small things.

So needless to say I am pretty friggin tired. I can't wait to sleep. I am drunk on tiredness and am not even really sure why I decided it was necessary to post. Yup, time to strap on my uber hot wrist braces. Joy.

86 more days

2009-01-09T04:25:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I hit the gym, and hit is pretty hard. I stuck to my workout goal. I yet again almost crapped my pants on the treadmill but luckily this time I was just about done. Instead of jamming out to REO Speedwagon on the treadmill I jammed out walking to my car. And yes I said REO Speedwagon. I heart them. Deal with it.

So I finally got my email that the Muddy Buddy registration has begun. The Muddy Buddy is a mountain biking/ running race where you and you buddy trade off biking and running through a 6-7mile course. There are 5 obstacles set up through out the course which is where you trade off jobs. Then at the end you and your partner crawl through a giant mud pit. Probably the Funnest. Day. Ever. Any how I click on the link to check the dates for Chicago (where we competed last year) and oh my golly gosh did I see the most exciting new eva. They have added a Muddy Buddy in Detroit this year. Oh yes my friends BG is going to be competing only 40 minutes from her house. That means no 5 hour drive home covered in muck praying for a shower. If you are intrigued check it out at www.muddybuddy.com .

I am stoked. And DH is talking a lot of smack. You see he and his buddy have already challenged me and my buddy to an all out time war. And I do not plan on losing this one. Running is not my thing just yet but by July 12th I am going to make it my forte. Biking, I am amazing at. Yeah I am that confident about it.

Back to the training for the day. Today is a cross training/walking day so I am going to hit up the elliptical. I was going to play the Wii Fit for awhile but now with the new Muddy Buddy developments I need to get some good training going now. Food sucked yesterday so bad that I am not even going to talk about it. Here is today's plan:

B- Fiber One bar

S1- 2 hard boiled eggs

L- yogurt/Fiber One cereal/ blueberries

S2- protein shake

D- something involving grilled chicken and brown rice

I may or may not throw in a glass of red wine depending on how good I am today. I have to keep my heart healthy you know ;)

Crap now I am going to be late for work.

***Edit***

FYI I ran from my car through the hospital to the time clock and punched in at 5:oo on the nose. See even getting to work is creating exercise opportunity for me.

Hit my goal

2009-01-08T14:49:00.002-05:00

I made it to the gym today folks!!!!! Oh yeah, go me But I did do it. Now the biggie will be the 6 miler on Sunday. Right now I am feeling pretty good about it. I just have to keep myself positive and load up the i pod with some wicked cool tunes. Did I just say wicked cool? That is so 1989. Or 5 year oldish because my son says it all the time.

Speaking of kids my daughter birthday is next week. Since my recently retired father is feeling some twangs of guilt for leaving for Florida before ringing in the big 08 he found it necessary to buy her an extra special gift of the Nintendo DS variety. Not that I mind the gift, because I really truly appreciate all my parents do for us, but there are going to be some all out brawls in the house for the next 5 months until the boys birthday. Because you can't do for one and not do for the other, right? Personally I prefer the Wii because we can all play together and everyone is usually pretty tired and sweaty afterward. If we have to spend all winter inside at least we are getting a workout playing video games.

So I still have to figure out a dinner plan here. We are going to my parents house before the girl's dance class so they can say bye to their Papa and give him lots of love and well wishes as he loves us for the sunny warmth of the south. Oh how I envy him. Needless to say we probably will not get home until 7 and that is way too late for dinner. I have not had fast food yet this year and I would really like to keep it that way. What's a girl to do?

87 more days

2009-01-08T05:32:00.004-05:00

So I did not sleep through my alarm this morning but I was so not wanting to get out of bed. I slept like a rock last night, can't imagine why ;) So much so when DH came home from his buddies house he found not one but two kids in bed with me. When did they get there? I vaguely remember him griping and putting the kids to bed. It kind of freaks me out a little bit that I don't even remember them coming into my room because I was that wiped out from the benedryl, but since I was not the only adult in the house I guess it is not so bad.

So it is 87 more days until the half marathon. If I keep constantly reminding myself of how much time I have left it will help me to focus on getting all my training days in properly. Today I am scheduled to do 30-45 minutes of running. I am still a bit sore from Tuesday but I will live. So treadmill city here I come. I am not the biggest fan of the treadmill but it is a necessary evil to make sure I am pacing myself properly. I am a super slow runner. Plus I have not done it in a long time so I have to build myself back up from super duper pooper slow to just regular really slow. After today I am off for running until Sunday, which is my long day of 6 miles. I would really like these 6 miles if they were outdoors but since it is a frigid 15 degrees out right now I don't foresee any sunny warmth in the near future. But I am thinking the indoor track for that instead of the treadmill. Now I just have to figure out what my kiddies did with my lap counter.

Oh and I have been so obsessed with Twitter lately. I could smack J for that one.

Support

2009-01-07T19:07:00.002-05:00

Is wine an appropriate chaser for benedryl? I am feeling like it is right now. I am pooped. Extremely tired. Tired enough that I am blogging this tonight for fear I will sleep through my 15 minute blogging time slot in the am. 3:45 might be too early for me tomorrow. I am cranky, tired, and having some sort of allergic reaction. Probably to life. At least today anyhow. Food is pretty much shot, but we can get to that later.

So I had an appointment with the hand surgeon at 10am today. I made this appointment some time in early December when I was having some major pain in my left hand. I chalked it up to an old softball injury acting up again. I have had the pain off and on for years but it was uber bad in December. Probably due to my bread making frenzy. I have since alleviated the problem by acquiring a bread maker to do my kneading. But I digress. So I have to wait so long because, of course, my brain only wants the best for my body. Well, at least when surgery may be involved. So I waited for the best. Anyhow I get in there finally and within 3 minutes of questioning and hand holding he says he is pretty sure he know what's wrong. Sends me back for a few more x-rays. We check them out and he tells me I have carpal tunnel syndrome. In both hands. Now I am not surprised because my Mom dealt with the same thing, but I was surprised that is what was causing the pain. So now I have to meet with the nerve doctor and wear these nifty wrist braces at night. And by nifty I mean bulky and uncomfortable. And by at night I mean every night. When I sleep. Giant bulky braces on my wrists. I am now 28 with 50 year old hands. Even worse I have been forbidden any weight training that involves holding weights. And kamikaze cleaning. I snorted a bit when he said that. So needless to say no gym today since I was sulking.

And eating...not so good. Again eating at work was great. At home I stink. Plus with the whole carpal tunnel thing just sent me into a frenzy. But tomorrow is a new day. I still made what was on the dinner plan and I even did the dishes in my weakened condition lol. How long can I milk this?

Finally made it to the gym.

2009-01-07T04:01:00.004-05:00

Of course it was crowded. That frustrates me. But I know it will clear out by mid February. At least I go mid day so it is slightly less crowded. Anyhow I ran/walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes. I have a running plan that I will be sticking to. My newest short term goal is to run a half marathon on April 5th. That is 3 short months from now. Even if I have to walk most of it, I am going to do this. I am going to stick to the exercise plan because it is doable. It is only 3 days of running per week, with a bunch of walking in between. I can do that. Speaking of my workout yesterday I nearly crapped my pants on the treadmill, probably due to the increase in fiber I have had lately. The mental image I have of myself clenching my butt cheeks together while trying to finish the interval I was on is pretty darn humorous.

Now eating was a bit better yesterday. My biggest problem right now is that I love to graze on whatever I am cooking for dinner. Like yesterday I made these Taco pocket things from crescent rolls, taco meat, and shredded cheese. I ate some cheese when I shredded it, mixed a little left over taco meat and cheese with some Doritos for a mini taco salad, had a little more cheese, that kind of thing. So I had the mini taco salad, half a taco pocket and a brownie. Not my worst, not my best. But I did make an entire batch of brownies last night and not sample the batter. That might be the first time something like that has happened. Go me.

My two favorite College football teams are Michigan and who ever is playing Ohio State

2009-01-06T04:05:00.004-05:00

I think last night when I told my husband to wake me up near the end of the Fiesta Bowl last night I meant in the last 2 minutes, not with more than 10 minutes left to go. And I am certain it was only if there was a blow out and Ohio State was losing. Now he got the losing part right, but I did not sign up to watch OSU march down the field not once, but twice and take the lead. Or to watch Texas get the ball with 2:10 left, down by 4, 81 yards from the end zone. Now if would have fared him well to wake me up with 16 second left as Texas scored that touchdown. Exciting? Absolutely. But at Midnight on a work night? Not so much. Football on the east coast is no good if you work at 5am.

So yesterday I did not make it to the gym. I did spend over an hour on the Wii fit and had some quality time with my husband. I think that fit better in my plan than doing the gym alone. But with the trade off being not as vigorous of a workout I know I need to get to the gym today. My eating at work was pristine, but at home not so clean. Going to the gym definitely helps me to eat better.

My plan:

Exercise- Running on the treadmill for at least 1 hour

Food- B-Fiber 1 bar, S1- Fiber 1 cereal and milk, L- leftover chicken and rice, S2- protein shake, D-taco bake

Water- 80 ounces

Wish me luck.

Recharged

2009-01-05T03:17:00.005-05:00

I am constantly amazed at how people can truly believe that God does not exist. For me to believe that I would have to believe that my life consists of a giant series of coincidences. I just don't feel my life can be that way. For example every week I go to church the message being delivered is solely for my purpose. Now I *know* that is not the case but it certainly feels that way. Yesterday as I was feeling so apprehensive about getting back on the bandwagon, to not only lose the rest of this weight but get my life under control, I received the most amazing message of hope and strength. Goodbye Ordinary, Hello Extraordinary. Here is the gist of it: While we were designed by God to live extraordinary lives many of us settle for ordinary. We have low expectations, we lack effort, we settle, we are paralyzed with fear, we have lost sight of the dream. The result? We live for safety and comfort. Wow. How much does this describe my life at this very moment? I never really try because I am afraid of failure. I would rather never win than put myself out there to possibly lose. That is such a sad fact considering I was designed by God to live an extraordinary live. He loves me and wants me to live the life he designed but I keep resisting and holding back. Only through him will I ever achieve greatness. I have been looking at this whole thing wrong. With him I will never fail. He will carry me through on the days I can't do it myself. I just feel like this huge weight has been lifted. I know i can do this.

(Blue text are the words of Northridge Church and not my own~ I don't want anyone thinking any plagiarizing is going on here =))

Pizza is not my friend

2009-01-04T07:12:00.002-05:00

even though I keep trying to make it be my friend. Soda is not my friend, even though I have gotten back to the bad habit of allowing it in my life. Both of these things together is the stupidest idea ever, yet last night I once again indulged. And once again I spent a few minutes in the bathroom barfing it all up. At what point am I going to learn? I know the consequences, yet I continue to make foolish decisions. I am tired of being in pain from food. But you would never know from my continued bad behavior.

I get to go back to work tomorrow. Yippie. Yeah. Wow. Woohoo. Do I sound excited yet? New year new attitude? I am getting a bit bored with being home but I am not thrilled at the prospect of going back to work without another vacation for the next 6 months or so. Blah. I miss vacation already.

And tomorrow will bring my kamikaze approach to getting fit. At least that is what I am telling myself. I am definitely going to the gym, and i want to try to get 30 minutes of walking/stairs/ something at work tomorrow. Wish me luck!

Is it possible for a Baker to be thin?

2009-01-03T09:29:00.002-05:00

I know it must be. But really how can anyone bake tons of goodies and not want to lick the bowl clean? I either need a better spatula or more willpower. It is probably the latter. I am sure it does not help that I purposely leave extra batter in the bowl for my own consumption. Yeah, then I complain about not losing weight. I know that problem, now I just have to actually follow through and take care of it. Wasn't this band supposed to solve all of that stuff? I can't believe the dream world i really lived in 2 years ago when I thought that would be the case. Crazy stuff.

So I really do plan on doing something about it. Just not today. Or even tomorrow. But Monday is looking promising. Mostly because i go back to work then and I am going to have to get on the scale when I get there. I don't own a scale (aside from the Wii Fit but I am not putting too much hope on that-I think it is highly under weighing me) so I have to use the scale at work. It is probably better that way as i would be on it daily and driving myself nuts. But really, I do have a plan for Monday. And Mondays are easier for me. I get off work at 1pm and I will head right over to the gym and get on the treadmill. I have planned dinners for the next 2 weeks, and though they might not be the most ideal healthy meals, as long as I use my band and stop eating when I am hungry I will be okay. But working out is definitely key and I need to stop making excuses for myself.

Yeah so I am a day late...

2009-01-02T08:04:00.003-05:00

I really did want to post daily this year, but I was so exhausted last night that it just was not an option. Heck I am still pretty pooped out. It's 8 am and my kids are even still sleeping. Monday is going to be rough for them when they go back to school. It's going to be rough for me to go back to work. I have been enjoying my vacation here all too much.

So yesterday I spent my day helping a friend clean her house. Her mother passed away last week (right before Christmas) and she has obviously not been in the emotional state to clean house. So since I had nothing better to do I headed on over there to give her a hand. It also caused me to go out to eat twice and do some major pigging out. I hate to use excuses but it is just so much easier to follow good eating habit when I am working and have some kind of pattern going. This spur of the moment, let's go get some Guacamole Live at OTB crap needs to stop. Those events need to be planned. Because I do love me some guacamole. And if I were dipping veggies into it instead of chips it might not be such an issue. Plus I completely forgot about the chicken in the crock pot so as we walked in the door last night the kids immediately stated "what smells like rotten eggs?" Really it was not that bad. Nor did it taste bad. On the contrary it as delicious. So those kids will be eating that chicken in something tonight. And they will like it.

We have been enjoying the Wii Fit since we got it last week. It's fun, but now my whole body is in massive amounts of pain. I am still recovering from the hula hoop. If I do this daily, I better have some rock hard abs by my birthday. Just saying.

Cooking Fool

2008-12-23T19:38:00.002-05:00

Why is it that I find it necessary to volunteer myself and my home for Christmas Eve? Not that I mind the cooking, I really do love doing it, but it just seems that everything that can go wrong does. I have had an awful afternoon. There was more snow, I did not get all my shopping done, and my kitchen is a wreck. Not to mention that whatever magical thing that happens when one cooks and peels hard boiled eggs never happens for me. I am stuck peeling a bazillion little pieces of shell and completely ruining the nice smooth look of the egg. My deviled eggs look like cottage cheese thighs. And I should know, because I have them. The second batch fared better than the first. One third of the first batch is in my childrens tummies, another few were thrown across my kitchen and the rest thrown at the tree in the backyard. I am not neccesarily proud, but it did make me feel slightly better. But I seriously need to chill out. It's the most wonderful time of the year, right?

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas....

2008-12-21T15:57:00.002-05:00

I just love snow. Really, there is just nothing like a good 14 inches being dumped on you in the matter of two days. And the -15F windchill? Just lovely. Yeah, I am so ready for summer already.

So I feel like I had something profound to write this morning when I started this blog but now it totally escapes me. Oh well. At least I only have one more day of work until my vacation. Thank goodness. I am so ready to be off work for a couple weeks. I do really enjoy my job but sometimes the monotony just kills me.

I am really excited for Christmas. We really did not get too much stuff this year. The kids have 9 gifts to open each, and most if it is pretty frugal stuff. The most costly would have to be the girl's dance competition warm ups. I would never in a million years spend $85 on a sweat suit for myself, much less my growing child. But since there was no choice in the matter, the suit was purchased. A little bit large to hopefully last a few years. I might have to get a second job just to afford her competition stuff for next year. Seems ridiculous, but she really does love it.

Now we are getting a Wii from my parents and s Wii Fit from Dan's Dad. I am not going to pretend that it is going to inspire me to workout more, but it does seem like it will be good fun.

So for next year I want to do something crazy. Not certifiable or anything, but something out of the ordinary for me. Like working out for an hour every day next year, or doing 1 push up daily and adding one onto it the next day, and so on, so that on December 31st 2009 I would be doing 365 push ups in a day. That probably will not seem too bad for the first few weeks of the year lol. But I have never been good with sticking with a plan. Maybe I should start working on that.

2008 Reflections

2008-12-14T07:03:00.007-05:00

I swear I think about this blog and just never get the inspiration to post. So since I am awake and everyone else is sleeping I guess now is as good a time as any.

My weight loss has hit a wall. Not only did I hit the wall but it must have been made of rubber because it sprung me back a good 30 pounds or so. There I said it. I gained 30 pounds this year. It's not pretty. I am hanging onto 218 and praying I don't go up anymore. So 2008 is a wash. On the weight loss scale it is a year wasted, no doubt. From here I have 2 choices. I can wallow in self pity and defeat and just give it up, or I can fight it. Just because I failed this year does not mean that next year has to follow suit. I can change it, I can fix it, I can make it better. And I have half a month to figure out how to do so. I definitely have to step it up. I need to get my rear into the gym and on my bike. I need to be more conscious of the food I am putting in my mouth. I know what I need to do but now I need to learn how to just do them.

I have been feeling very down on myself lately. As if I never do enough around the house. As if I am not as good of a mother as someone else. As if I am not as good of a wife as someone else. And the one thing I think I am finally starting to realize is that comparing myself to others is never going to get me anywhere but down in the gutter. Just because I am not Martha Stewart or Suppernanny does not mean I am any less of a person. I consistently give less than my all because I am afraid that I will never live up to standards that are just set too high. I am afraid of failing so I don't even try. Then I can tell others I have failed but never feel like a true failure because I have never put my all into it. But what if I do put my all into it and fail? Is it such a bad thing to say that for once I put my everything into something? So what if I don't succeed at the task at hand. It will be a huge personal success to just put my all into something.

So here and now I claim 2009 as the year of Stacy. I will be 29 this year and as my final year in my 20's I expect it to be the best. I will work on myself mentally, spiritually, and physically. I will take care of myself and treat myself as the wonderful person I deserve to be treated like. I will transform my life into the woman I want to become, the woman I know is deep inside of me fighting to get out. The mother. The wife. The athlete. The housekeeper. The philanthropist.

So onto goal setting. Goal setting, not resolution making. And I certainly have a few. So here we go:

1. The weight. Obviously it was going to be on there. I am giving myself the whole year to get down to my goal of 155. A whole year broken down is about 6 pounds per month. About 1.5 pounds per week. If I can eat right and exercise well I can do this by the end of the year.

2. Spiritual. Sometimes I let this get away from me. It is important to have Jesus in my life daily. I have improved upon this during this year, but I know I can get better. My swearing has improved. I think about things before I say them. I feel more guilt for the things I know I should not do or say. I want a closer relationship with Jesus, plain and simple.

3. Parenting. I know I will never be a super parent. I know this was not something I planned at this time in my life. But these children were a gift from God and he has left me this responsibility of shaping and molding their lives into productive, loving, wonderful adults. So instead of putting my wants first I must start putting them first-100% of the time, not just when it is convenient for me. My goal is to make that my first reaction.

4. Marriage. This is always a constant battle. Maybe not as much lately. One thing I have learned this year is that I can't expect to get much out of my marriage if I am not putting anything into it. So instead of expecting Dan to give me what I want I need to give him what he wants and know that I am going to eventually get fulfillment out of that. It is a two way street. I still need to work on it, but I am in a much better place than I was last year. I only expect things to get better this year. In December of 2009 I want to look back at this post and know my marriage is in a better place than it is today.

5. Community. This year I want to give more than I receive. Monetarily it is not easy but I can donate my time and effort. I know how good it feels to give and I want to have that feeling in my life daily. Goal- to find a way to give back on a consistent basis. Volunteer at church, volunteer in the community, find a way to do at least one thing every month.

6. Money. Always a touchy subject. Right now with the economy going to crap I feel blessed to have a much as I do. I have a relatively stable job, as does Dan. We can pay our bills with a tiny bit left over. We can live comfortably even if we can't do everything we would like. We are almost finished with our bankruptcy, which is amazing. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. My black and white goal is to have a $1000 emergency fund saved by the end of the year. For some it does not seem like much, but when you are living paycheck to paycheck it is a lifeline.

So, yeah. There they are, all laid out in black and white. Now I have to stick with them. I am going to print them out and look at them daily. I want to keep them on my mind as a daily reminder of what I am doing with myself for 2009. So now that I have my goals I need to set up my plan. I need support. I need accountability. That's where my coaching comes in. I still have not decided if I am going to go public with this and let you read it J, but maybe soon I will.

Right now I feel pretty good about things. I just hope I can continue with that.

I never thought it would come to this...

2008-11-18T15:01:00.005-05:00

But for the first time in almost 2 years I ate something fully intending to throw it up immediately. I can't say i have never puked from this lapband, or that I have never taken an extra bite or two when I knew I should not, but this is the first time I have put something in my mouth knowing that I was going to bring it back up. And it really scared the heck out of me. Not because I did it, but because of how frightfully easy it was to do. How not painful it was. How easy it would be to hide it. I did the bulimia thing for about 5 minutes in high school (what fat girl didn't) and it was awful. Horrible. Downright putrid. Painful. Disgusting. Hence the reason it lasted 5 minutes and was not the cure to my fatness then. But this? This was too easy. Easy enough to be scary. I don't want to be this weak again.

Charlotte's Web

2008-10-15T04:34:00.001-04:00

So last night there was this gargantuan spider outside my doorwall. I mean this thing was so big that I half expected to see the words "Some Pig" woven into the web, which was about 4 feet wide. So I figured if I used the wasp and hornet spray I could stand about 13 feet away while spraying the thing down. After emptying about a half a can of the stuff on him and the web I realized he was never going to die. I mean it was amazing how he was covered in the foam and just shook it off and kept crawling around. Finally I got one of DH's shoes and the flyswatter and doing my best girlie shriek ran at the thing with the shoe, hit it against the window, and repeatedly beat it on the ground with the flyswatter until it was in about 9834759 pieces. Then I needed a Valium. The kids of course thought this whole thing was hilarious. DH just sat back and watched the whole thing. Sometimes I think he is more of a sissy girl than me. At any rate, the spider is dead. And I did not sleep well. At about quarter of two I woke up to two cat or something fighting in my backyard. I have good sounds effects to go along with this but I just can't do them justice via blogger. In fact the spider story is funnier if I can tell it to you with fun hand gestures and sound effects. Anyhow, so after I got up and saw not cats anywhere I went back to bed. Within 5 minutes I hear some some guy yelling obscenities like about how he was going to beat the person he was talking to down. I assume he was on the phone because I did not hear another voice yelling back. And it was more of a "I am going to shoot you down" conversation than anything else. Usually when people get too loud in the middle of the night I will yell out my window for them to shut up. But there was banging on my fence and I'll admit, I was a little scared. Probably the first time I have ever felt really scared in my own house like that. This is the penalty I pay for buying a corner house down the street from the ghetto I suppose. Had I know I would have sicced good old Charlotte on him pre-death. There is a good chance she could have taken him down.